Mac and Cheese Mermaid has broken up.
Please, put the dagger down, and don't commit suicide quite yet.
Not at least until you've heard why this natural disaster occurred.
It's all Roxie's fault.
We were in the garage suite. I was bleaching my arm hair, Shrub was drinking soy sauce through a licorice straw, Larry was playing PocketGod on his itouch, and Gilbert was building a rubik's cube out of Silly Putty. It was a pretty normal day. Too normal. Then I suddenly realized;
"hey, Roxie isn't here."
Shrub: She said she'd be here on our second date last night.
Me: Ew, you went on another date?
Shrub: Yeah, we had dinner on my uncle's wheat farm.
Me: Did you kiss?
Shrub: NOYB.
Me: Ew! Dude, you can't kiss her you haven't a rabies shot!
Shrub: Her lips tasted like Triscuts.
Me: Dude I think I just puked my Lunchables.
Shrub: Percy, Roxie isn't as bad as you think she is.
Me: You don't know her like I do.
Shrub: Have you kissed her?
Me: Ugh no! I don't a disease!
Shrub: Don't diss it 'til you try it.
Larry: So are you two like official now?
Shrub: She never said anything, but her eyes told me everything.
Gilbert: Now MCM is going to be awkward.
Me: Yeah dude, I'm going to have to kick her out of the band.
Shrub: What? No! Why?
Me: I don't want you two making out or anything.
Shrub: We won't, we'll be professional. Just wink and giggle softly, on occasion.
Me: Sorry dude, she's out.
Shrub: This is totally unfair. If Larry and Gilbert wanted to make out you wouldn't kick one of them out.
Me: Larry, Gilbert, do you two want to make out?
[Larry and Gilbert look at each other.]
Larry: No thank you.
Gilbert: Yeah, I'll pass.
Me: Then we don't have that problem. Besides, what if you two start making out on the instruments, we can't get drool on our instruments.
Shrub: You let Larry pee in his drums.
Me: That was different. We were at a carnival.
Gilbert: Besides, he bet that carni his powerscooteer, and he could not loose that.
Me: Exactly, it was a life or death situation.
Shrub: Percy, come 'on, we're home bois. Can't you just let me have my way?
Me: Not if its at my expense.
Shrub: P-man–
Me: Stop it Shrub. There's no R-O-X-I-E in T-E-A-M.
Larry: But there is M-E-A-T.
Me: Exactly. Gilbert, hand me that lamb cabob on your left.
Shrub: Let's take a vote.
Me: If you don't side with me guys, I'll charge you tax on using my band suite.
Shrub: Hey! You can't do that!
Me: Really? Well then go talk to the thirteenth amendment Shrub!
Shrub: Abolishing slavery?
Me: Any person has the right to charge sales tax on his land use.
Shrub: That's not–
Me: Vote time. All if favor of Shrub for support the Dark Lord, He-she-who-should-not-be-name, raise your pathetic hands now.
[Shrub raises his hand.]
Me: All in favor of the the good guys, and kicking Roxie out. Raise your cool, buff hands now.
[I raise my hand, and Larry and Gilb shortly follow.]
Larry: Sorry dude, but I only work part-time at Dairy Queen, and I can't afford sales tax.
Gilbert: And I don't believe in using real money, so I can't pay sales tax either.
Me: I win. Roxie is officially out of the band.
[I bang my lambchop on the floor to symbolize our decision.]
Shrub: Well, that means I'm out too.
[I spit out my food, going straight towards Larry's un-patched eye.]
Larry: Ow! Aw man now I gotta wear two eyepatches!
Me: Are you trippin' boi?
Shrub: No, I'm stand firmly.
Me: We don't want you out of the band, we want Roxie out.
Shrub: Well Roxie's my girlfriend. Besides, I don't want to be part of a band where the leader is a dictator.
Me: Hey! This is a democracy.
Shrub: More like communism.
Me: Alright maybe it's a parliment.
Shrub: Dude, it doesn't matter. I'm outtie.
Me: As your former wing man, I'm inclined to tell you that you are making the biggest mistake of your life. We're going to be famous dude–and you can have a part of that.
Shrub: Please, this band is going no where. We have two songs, we only play at your uncle's diner occasionally, we have basically no fans–and we suck.
Me: Blasphemy!
Shrub: No, truthphemy.
Me: I'm kicking you out!
Shrub: But I already quit.
Me: I brought you into this world, I can take you out.
Shrub: I'll be back.
Gilbert (jumps up): And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
[We all look at him strangely.]
Gilbert: Sorry, I thought we were doing movie quotes.
Larry (stands up): Ya know what? I quit too.
Shrub: Yea!
Me: No! Why bra?
Larry: Cause, nothing's happening. Shrub's right, we're going no where.
Me: Larry, don't go.
Larry: It's too late, I've already metaphorically left. I'm going to go start my own improv troop.
Me: You're kidding. You're delisional, all those seasame seeds balls have gone to your head.
Larry: No, I think for once I'm thinking clearly.
Me: Bra-
[Larry walks up to me and puts his hand over my mouth.]
Larry: I am not lingerie.
[Shrub and Larry stomp out of my garage and get on their segways and go home.]
Gilbert: Well, what now?
Me: We'll start our own band, just you and me!
Gilbert: Do we have to?
Me: Yes.
Gilbert: Fine.
Me: We'll call it something edgy, some dangerous.
Gilbert: Carbon monoxide.
Me: Exactly. Brilliant.
Gilbert: Sweet.
Me: We'll call it: Carbon Monoxide–Gone Wild.
Gilbert: Why gone wild?
Me: It sounds cooler. We'll do a lot more punk music. Unleash our inner emos.
Gilbert: I don't know if I have an inner emo.
Me: Nonense, everyone does.
[Roxie walks in, drinking honey from the bottle.]
Roxie: Whoa, where is everyone?
Me: You're outta the band Roxie.
Roxie: Whatever.
[She leaves.]
We don't need them. Any of them. Gilbert and I can rock on our own. We'll find new band mate, better band mates, better band mates who don't smell like beef jerkey.
Cause Gilbert and I, were like wolves. Strong, fierce, bullet-proof wolves. Vampire wolves. And like vampire wolves, we never die out. Never.
