The Dark Lord Strikes Again

You know those days, when you just feel like your life is over and you have no meaning. That feeling of worthlessness, that my mom claims she has all the time. I know, I know, this is what Roxie must feel like everyday. I almost feel bad for her. Almost. Because yesterday, I felt worthless, unloved. I was totally the leftover sardines, the forgotten mitten, the Kevin Jonas of the group.

So we were having our very first band practice as the new Mac and Cheese Mermaid (better than eva because now Roxie wasn't in it). I was strumming a one-stringed banjo with my toes, Shrub was blowdrying his hair with a toaster over, Gilbert was trying to eat a Rubik's Cube, and Larry was pretending to be a cat. All and all, it was a pretty normal day. Then, all of the sudden, I was hungry. Naturally I checked my pocket for some left over tic tacs or some old toast, but unfortunately all I found was black lint, which wasn't nearly satisfying enough. So I looked in the cupboard for my panini maker that I had stolen from Rudolph in exchange for a handful of raisins that I'd found on the ground. But gasp! the panini maker wasn't there.
Me: Dudes, what gives?
Larry: I didn't steal your mom's robe.
Me: Not that––the panini maker's gone.
Gilbert: Gasp!
Me: I know!
Larry: Who could have taken it?
Me: Not Rudolph, I hypnotized her yesterday into thinking it's the year 1865.
Gilbert: Then who could it be?
Shrub: I think I know--Roxie. She grabbed it the day the band broke up.
Me: How did I miss that?
Gilbert: You were counting your arm hair, remember?
Me: Oh yeah. By the way I'm up to 127.
Gilbert: That's still way less than average, like you're not even halfway there.
Me: Shut up dude!
Shrub: C'mon bros, let's go about this in a calm manner.
Larry: Let's storm into her house with rage!
Shrub: Can't--it's still being fumagated for woodlice.
Gilbert: Can we at least egg it?
Me: Sorry guys, I used all the eggs last week to clog Rudolph's toilet.
Larry: Aw man!
Me: This is terrible, what can we do now?

Unfortunately, we all knew. There was only one solution.

We had to let Roxie back in the band. We couldn't survive without our panini maker, and we were all too lazy and broke to go out and by another. It pained me to do it, but at least I got my panini maker back. But it smelled like bubble bath.

MAC AND CHEESE MERMAID REUNITES

The unthinkable has happened.
No, Roxie hasn't gotten in college--that's just impossible.
Mac and Cheese Mermaid has reunited.

Now I know you're probably celebrating right now, breaking out the ramen and rolling around in it in an excited frenzy. You're so happy that you don't even care why you're happy. This is the best day of your life. Now let me explain how.

It was a chilly December evening, and I was in my room, eating warm tuna. Gilbert was over, making my bed like he does every Wednesday (I pay him in Raisin Bran). The house was quiet. My dad was watching the game, my mom was at K-Mart, and Rudolph had run into a wall so she was semi-conscious.
Then, all of the sudden, the doorbell rang. I thought it was the late-night mailman dropping off my exotic hair product, but I was in for the shock of my life.
At the door, stood Roxie.

Me: What are you doing here?
Roxie: Listen Percy, I need to talk to you.
Me: If that rat I put in your fanny pack gave you rabies I can't be held responsible.
Roxie: It's about Shrub.
Me: I don't wanna hear it. That guy is paste to me.
Roxie: You guys are best friends–
Me: WERE best friends. As in past tense, as in not present tense, as in not future tense.
Roxie: Just here me out.
Me: Sorry, your voice just sounds like burning rubber.
Roxie: That doesn't even make sense.
Me: Neither do you. So we're even.
Roxie: Shrub's miserable.
Me: Well, I think that's your fault. You're his girlfriend or whatevsies.
Roxie: But I'm not.
Me: Say what?
Roxie: We went on a couple dates ... but I'm not into him like that. We're just friends.
Me: He's still worse than all three Jonas Brothers combined.
Roxie: He won't admit it, but he misses the band.
Me: So what? I miss my cheese grater, but you don't see me going to Jojo's cardboard box and asking for it back.
Roxie: Listen–
Me: No you listen. I'm in honors math, ok?
Roxie: What does that have to do with anything?
Me: I just rubbing it in your face. Which, by the way, is still oily.
Roxie: I didn't miss getting my hair braided at the mall kiosk to get insulted. I just hate seeing Shrub miserable, so I think it'd be in all our interests to get the band back together.
Me: Sorry, but the band's time has passed. You can only throw a cinderblock so far before it hits someone in the face.
Roxie: Fine. I'm done here.
Me: And stay out!
I slammed the door in her face.

Although Roxie is a complete moron who doesn't know toast about anything, she got me thinking. If she and Shrub weren't dating, then why were Shrub and I fighting? There didn't seem to be a reason for our feud anymore. And if Shrub and I were cool, so were Larry and I.
So that night, I sent out a mass email to Larry and Shrub saying:

Hey dudez. I (you're) sorry about everything. Now that Shrub's not dating Roxie, I guess the band can get back together. If you want or something. Cuz I have other things to do. And hot dates. But I mean if you guyz really want, I guess MCM could reunite. And my mom just bought fresh guava, so we could throw it at Rudolph. If you want.
xoxo,
Percy

The next day in homeroom ...
Me: Hey guys. Did you get my mass email?
Shrub: Maybe.
Larry: Yeah, maybe.
Me: Well, what do you say?
Shrub: I don't know. How fresh is the guava?
Me: Two days.
Shrub: And is Rudolph's leg still broken?
Me: Yup––so the fastest thing she can do is limp away.
Larry: Well, I DID just get some new rope.
Shrub: And I did just get a new video camera.
Gilb: It'd be awful to let those things go to waste.
Me: So, are we all cool?
Shrub: Yeah, we are.
Me: Illness.
*4 way fist bump*

So yeah. If MCM was history, Shrub would be Napoleon, Gilbert would be George Washington, Larry would be some other lesser known guy who signed the declaration of Independence, and I would be Ceaser. Because Ceaser always wins. Roxie's Brutus. But wait Brutus stabs Ceaser. So nevermind. Roxie's Voldemort. That's a lot more fitting. So the mighty 4 are back together again and more powerful than ever. Minus Roxie. Booyah.

Oh. And here's a little something I learned in honors math:
Ceaser < Voldemort

Because Ceaser is greater than Voldemort.

A Halloween to Remember

Sorry I haven't written on the blog for so long, my computer's been broken evens since Rudolph jammed the CD tray with fortune cookies. And Jojo crawled in through the air vents at night and broke into our house. He sold my keyboard on the black market and stole my mom's weave. So my computer has not only been broken, but keyboardless.

But good news! My mom has swine! She got it the same day she ate a waffle from the WaffleShack, and she sued them for giving her the disease. Her evidence was that the cashier was wearing pink (go local court!) She used the money to not only surgecially remove her arm flab but by herself a new computer (I got the old one).

So yeah. MCM is still broken up, and I haven't talked to my former BestBroFo'evsies since September when I asked him in science if his leg was red from rug burn or a common rash (it was a combination of the two, fyi). 

But Gilbert and I are still trying to find new band mates. I sent muffin baskets to Celine Dion and Selena Gomez, but none of which have responded yet. But whatevsies.

So two days ago, Halloween strolled by. I found out about Halloween actually the night before when I was chatting with Gilbert on IM (he was explaining to me how to tie a knot if your thumbs are cut off). 

GilbyMasta: and then you do a double sailor knot to finish it off

STUDlypony: ok. i think i got it.

GilbyMasta: do you really?

STUDlypony: no. knots r 4 squarez.

STUDlypony: you wanna egg a Christmas Tree Shop tomorrow?

GilbyMasta: cant im bleaching my cat

STUDlypony: y

GilbyMasta: its Halloween. duh. she's being a ghost

STUDlypony: WHOA. HOLD UP. do you just say 2morrow was halloween?

GilbyMasta: fo sho

STUDlypony: OMG i dont have a costume

GilbyMasta: just be a mouse and put on mouse ears

STUDlypony: lame

GilbyMasta: be a teletubbie

STUDlypony: no way tubbie custard is not cheap

GilbyMasta: be hannah montana

STUDlypony: dude im not being the same thing three years in a row

GilbyMasta: fine don't be anything at all

STUDlypony: ur right. costumez r for wittle babiez

GilbyMasta: y do u spell everything with a z?

STUDlypony: iz coolz.

GilbyMasta: anyways want to just watch scary movies at my place? we got a new scented candle

STUDlypony: im bringing the frozen corndogs

GilbyMasta: And I'll bring the powdered milk 

STUDlypony: soundz like a planz

So there we were on Halloween night, watching Fatal Kittens 2: Revenge of the Me-OW! zombies. Gilbert was eating M&Ms and then spitting them out in a bowl (he loves the taste of them but he can't eat them because he's allergic to circular candies) and I was stalking the Jonas Brothers on Twitter. So it was a pretty awesome nice. Then all of the sudden, a CRASH came! The window across from us shattered, and a rock landed at our feet (good thing we were both wearing wooden clogs). Laughter came from outside, and we looked down to see there was a note attached to the rock.

you r lamepants

This was the falsest thing I'd ever read. I am not lame, and neither are my pants. It takes a lot of courage for a guy to shop at Delias, especially since there is not boys section (but my legs are wicked skinny and no guys jeans fit me). And although the bottom of Gilbert's pants are sewn together (his mom is paranoid his feet will freeze and fall off), they aren't lame either. 

I know only three people who could have done this.

1) Nick Jonas. But according to Twitter he's in Dallas, so this can't be.

2) Jojo. But he's probably dressing up as a kid again to go trick-or-treating and get free candy (until he gets locked up), so this can't be either.

3) Shrub-Larry-Roxie (I count them as one person). My arch foes.

This. Means. War.

[You know something dramatic is going to happen when there is a period after each word.]

Changes

GAH!

WOWZERS. It's been a long time since I've written on the blog. I forgot the password (I knew I shouldn't have written it on my foot). But I remembered it today! But this time I wrote it on my abs, and since I check myself out so often, I'll never forget it. 

 So I was looking in the mirror and was all like "dang boy you one fine piece of meat" and trying to figure out why I've never had a girlfriend with a body like this. And then it came to me, I'm too attractive. Girls are intimidated by me, they think I'm like Edward Cullen or something, and they get to shy to say 'holla'. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I needed to ugly myself up. I know what you're thinking, impossible, right? The thought of me being ugly is like Roxie graduating high school--never going to happen. For advice on how to be unattractive, I went to my mom. Here's how the conversation went:

Deborah Nuglet (Mom): [yelling at someone leaving the front door] I told you, I ain't gonna register to your party! [Shuts door.] Stupid democrats and their stupid democracy. Don't they know that Lincoln was a republican?

Percy: Hey Mom, what do you find unattractive in men?

Mom: Lady parts is kinda a turnoff. 

Percy: Other than that?

Mom: I hate men that do things to their hair. Like dye it or get a perm.

So I walked over next door to my cousin's house to ask Gilbert to give me a perm. 

Gilbert: [on computer] Taste the Staff of Ice Morgorlando! That's what you get for blasting Quando's orb!

Percy: Gilb, I have some important business to talk about.

Gilbert: Is it about Carbon Monoxide Gone Wild? You finally found bandmates for us?

Percy: Not yet.

Gilbert: Percy you're too picky, and we need other bandmates–-fast. Can't we just let Jojo play tamborine?

Percy: And give him a chance to eat my Kid Cuisine meals again? I think not! Besides, he smells like gunpowder and biscuts.

Gilbert: Well what did you come here to talk about with me?

Percy: I need you to give me a perm.

Gilbert: You know I haven't graduated from online beauty school yet!

Percy: But you're the only person I know who will go near my head considering I've had lice four times in the past year. 

Gilbert: And swine. Twice. Can't you just get Roxie to do it? She cornrosed her Golden Retriever last week.

Percy: You know we can't speak to Shrub, Larry, or Roxie. They're the enemy! Wait ... you haven't been talking to her, have you?

Gilbert: N-no. 

Percy: Good, or else I'd have to excommunicate you at our next family reunion.

Gilbert: Please no!

Percy: Then perm my head. 

[Gilbert gets some things from his drawer and starts sticking them in my hair.]

Gilbert: Why am I doing this again?

Percy: Cause, I need to be unattractive so da ladies won't feel uncomfortable around me. 

Gilbert: Are you sure you're not just doing this to look like Joe Jonas.

Percy: Heck no!

Gilbert: Alright, but just to warn you, I've only practiced perms on virtual hamsters before. 

Percy: Whatevsies. Just make sure I'm unappealing. 

Gilbert: I'll try. 

*2 hours later*

[I take the towel of my head. I look like little bo peep since all my white blonde hair is now super curly.]

Percy: Gilb! Did you fall on your head during birth?

Gilbert: What? You don't like it?

Percy: NO, that's the problem! I love it! Dang, I look even hotter than before.

Gilbert: [sniffles] I'm so useless.

Percy: You are. Way to go, you just upgraded me from Zac Efron to Robert Pattinson. How am I supposed to get a girlfriend when I've reached a whole new level of godly?

Gilbert: I'm sorry!

Sigh, if you want something done right, you have to not let Gilbert do it, since he will just screw it up.

Anyways, about CMGW ... not much has changed. We haven't gotten any new songs, lyrics, bandmates or costumes. But me and Gilb are hanging in there (and giving the Enemies [Shrub, Larry and Roxie] the cold shoulder), and we'll find talented people eventually. I emailed Clay Aiken, but he hasn't responded yet. 

Carbon Monoxide: Gone Wild -- AUDITIONS

Holla to my homies and gnomies. Sorry I haven't been writing on da blog much lately. Here are the seven reasons why:

1) I got an iguana and it chewed up my computer wires.

2) Rudolph sat on said iguana and it bit her buttocks so she tried to sue me

3) I didn't have a good lawyer so I ended up in student court with Gilb defending me

4) I ended up having to pay Rudolph $25 and have to kill the iguana myself (student court is cruel)

5) so I went in the alley after the case and ran over Rafael (my iguana) with my powerscooter

6) It was wicked sad, but at least I earned some street cred

7) I had swine. 

But anywhosums, all that stuff was cleared up a couple days ago, and me and Gilbert were holding auditions for our new band Carbon Monoxide: Gone Wild (CMGW for short). And to answer your question, no, Shrub and I have not made up yet. I don't play on it, he left the band and said we were going no where. He stabbed me in the back, and bras don't do that to other bras. They just don't. So whatevs, he can chill by himself, with The Dark Lord (aka Roxie), but he needs to stay outta my grill. And to answer your other question, yes, I am single. ;)

So Gilb and I had auditions today at my house. I put flyers up everywhere. At school, in the caff, in my math class, on the white board, in the faculty dinning room, the grocery store, the gas station, and in a local prison (just in case any of the prisoners get out early and can play a wicked bass). I expected the house to be swamped, people flowing in everywhere. But not a lot of people came, which just goes to show how bad the school system is at teaching kids how to read. The poor things probably had no clue what the flyers were saying. But the kids who could read, came.

We had four auditioneers:

--Minxy: random girl who I didn't even know went to our school. Everywhere except her face is covered with vampire anime which she apparently draws on herself during lunch. She has long dark black hair and is wicked skinny, but keeps like 20 corn dogs in her backpack. She can eat two in 43.2 seconds. Yeah, that's right, I counted. She's kinda weird, and her voice sounds like the Basilisk from Harry Potter, but she can play the tamberine decently.

--Jojo: local hobo. He just came for the food. I gave him some Hot Pockets, then told him to leave. He ran back in a couple minutes later and tried to steal our Blue Ray, but I kicked him out before he could take it, so he ended up just swiping my mom's credit card. Whatever. 

---Daryl: Some weird sixth grader who is apparently a genius. He goes to our school and is in 12th grade math. He gets beat up constantly. He doesn't like communicating with other people, but his mom told him to try new things or else she'd take away his PlayStation and kill off his Sims family. He wears a neck brace, but his neck actually isn't broken, he just has skin issues. He plays recorder. He was OK.

---Malcom: one of the most popular kids in school, captain of the billiards team. He brought his video camera and was filming the auditions to put on Myspace. He said he was making a video about the lamest audition ever and that it would be hilarious, but we let him stay. Partially because there's no such thing as negative press, partially because he brought fig newtons.

We're still making our decisions about the band. Stay online. We'll make our decision shortly.

Mac and Cheese Mermaid BREAKS UP

Young grasshoppers, grasshoppets, I have earth-shattering bad new.

Mac and Cheese Mermaid has broken up.

Please, put the dagger down, and don't commit suicide quite yet.

Not at least until you've heard why this natural disaster occurred.

It's all Roxie's fault.

We were in the garage suite. I was bleaching my arm hair, Shrub was drinking soy sauce through a licorice straw, Larry was playing PocketGod on his itouch, and Gilbert was building a rubik's cube out of Silly Putty. It was a pretty normal day. Too normal. Then I suddenly realized;

"hey, Roxie isn't here."

Shrub: She said she'd be here on our second date last night.

Me: Ew, you went on another date? 

Shrub: Yeah, we had dinner on my uncle's wheat farm.

Me: Did you kiss?

Shrub: NOYB.

Me: Ew! Dude, you can't kiss her you haven't a rabies shot!

Shrub: Her lips tasted like Triscuts.

Me: Dude I think I just puked my Lunchables.

Shrub: Percy, Roxie isn't as bad as you think she is.

Me: You don't know her like I do.

Shrub: Have you kissed her?

Me: Ugh no! I don't a disease!

Shrub: Don't diss it 'til you try it.

Larry: So are you two like official now?

Shrub: She never said anything, but her eyes told me everything. 

Gilbert: Now MCM is going to be awkward.

Me: Yeah dude, I'm going to have to kick her out of the band.

Shrub: What? No! Why?

Me: I don't want you two making out or anything.

Shrub: We won't, we'll be professional. Just wink and giggle softly, on occasion.

Me: Sorry dude, she's out.

Shrub: This is totally unfair. If Larry and Gilbert wanted to make out you wouldn't kick one of them out.

Me: Larry, Gilbert, do you two want to make out?

[Larry and Gilbert look at each other.]

Larry: No thank you.

Gilbert: Yeah, I'll pass.

Me: Then we don't have that problem. Besides, what if you two start making out on the instruments, we can't get drool on our instruments.

Shrub: You let Larry pee in his drums.

Me: That was different. We were at a carnival.

Gilbert: Besides, he bet that carni his powerscooteer, and he could not loose that.

Me: Exactly, it was a life or death situation.

Shrub: Percy, come 'on, we're home bois. Can't you just let me have my way?

Me: Not if its at my expense. 

Shrub: P-man–

Me: Stop it Shrub. There's no R-O-X-I-E in T-E-A-M.

Larry: But there is M-E-A-T.

Me: Exactly. Gilbert, hand me that lamb cabob on your left.

Shrub: Let's take a vote.

Me: If you don't side with me guys, I'll charge you tax on using my band suite.

Shrub: Hey! You can't do that!

Me: Really? Well then go talk to the thirteenth amendment Shrub!

Shrub: Abolishing slavery?

Me: Any person has the right to charge sales tax on his land use.

Shrub: That's not–

Me: Vote time. All if favor of Shrub for support the Dark Lord, He-she-who-should-not-be-name, raise your pathetic hands now.

[Shrub raises his hand.]

Me: All in favor of the the good guys, and kicking Roxie out. Raise your cool, buff hands now.

[I raise my hand, and Larry and Gilb shortly follow.]

Larry: Sorry dude, but I only work part-time at Dairy Queen, and I can't afford sales tax.

Gilbert: And I don't believe in using real money, so I can't pay sales tax either.

Me: I win. Roxie is officially out of the band. 

[I bang my lambchop on the floor to symbolize our decision.]

Shrub: Well, that means I'm out too.

[I spit out my food, going straight towards Larry's un-patched eye.]

Larry: Ow! Aw man now I gotta  wear two eyepatches!

Me: Are you trippin' boi?

Shrub: No, I'm stand firmly.

Me: We don't want you out of the band, we want Roxie out.

Shrub: Well Roxie's my girlfriend. Besides, I don't want to be part of a band where the leader is a dictator.

Me: Hey! This is a democracy.

Shrub: More like communism.

Me: Alright maybe it's a parliment.

Shrub: Dude, it doesn't matter. I'm outtie.

Me: As your former wing man, I'm inclined to tell you that you are making the biggest mistake of your life. We're going to be famous dude–and you can have a part of that.

Shrub: Please, this band is going no where. We have two songs, we only play at your uncle's diner occasionally, we have basically no fans–and we suck.

Me: Blasphemy!

Shrub: No, truthphemy.

Me: I'm kicking you out!

Shrub: But I already quit.

Me: I brought you into this world, I can take you out.

Shrub: I'll be back.

Gilbert (jumps up): And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

[We all look at him strangely.]

Gilbert: Sorry, I thought we were doing movie quotes.

Larry (stands up): Ya know what? I quit too.

Shrub: Yea!

Me: No! Why bra?

Larry: Cause, nothing's happening. Shrub's right, we're going no where. 

Me: Larry, don't go.

Larry: It's too late, I've already metaphorically left. I'm going to go start my own improv troop.

Me: You're kidding. You're delisional, all those seasame seeds balls have gone to your head.

Larry: No, I think for once I'm thinking clearly.

Me: Bra-

[Larry walks up to me and puts his hand over my mouth.]

Larry: I am not lingerie. 

[Shrub and Larry stomp out of my garage and get on their segways and go home.]

Gilbert: Well, what now?

Me: We'll start our own band, just you and me!

Gilbert: Do we have to?

Me: Yes. 

Gilbert: Fine.

Me: We'll call it something edgy, some dangerous. 

Gilbert: Carbon monoxide.

Me: Exactly. Brilliant.

Gilbert: Sweet.

Me: We'll call it: Carbon Monoxide–Gone Wild.

Gilbert: Why gone wild?

Me: It sounds cooler. We'll do a lot more punk music. Unleash our inner emos.

Gilbert: I don't know if I have an inner emo.

Me: Nonense, everyone does.

[Roxie walks in, drinking honey from the bottle.]

Roxie: Whoa, where is everyone?

Me: You're outta the band Roxie.

Roxie: Whatever.

[She leaves.]

We don't need them. Any of them. Gilbert and I can rock on our own. We'll find new band mate, better band mates, better band mates who don't smell like beef jerkey.

Cause Gilbert and I, were like wolves. Strong, fierce, bullet-proof wolves. Vampire wolves. And like vampire wolves, we never die out. Never.

Rainbow Girls Contest

Guess what? About a month ago, I was really hungry one afternoon and our house had no food. I was too lazy to go buy food, so I decided to eat paper. As I was scarfing down the bills, I noticed that Rudolph got an letter from the NRGA (National Rainbow Girls Association). They say that curiosity killed the cat, and we all know that I am very puma-like with da ladiez, so I opened it. It was asking her, a Rainbow Girl, to enter a national poetry contest. All you had to do was write a poem about friendship. I was about to eat this letter, but then I that the prize was a life supply of rice wafers and molasses. I was still starving at this point, and even thought I am not a girl, or a rainbow,  I decided to enter under Rudolph's name.

My poem was da bomb. Here it is (don't sit down cause you'll just jump right up):

friendship

is a smoothie

of fun

and laughter

and joy

and cookies

sometimes its sweet

sometimes its smooth

but sometimes its a chunker

and is too icy

and sometimes it can get stuck in your throat

but at the end of the day

no matter how gross it is

you are craving that smoothie

of love. 

Today, during my epic finger puppet battle, the mail came. I found a letter addressed to Miss Rudolph Nuglet from the NRGA, so naturally I opened it (it is only illegal to open someone's mail if you aren't famous. I will be famous soon, and let's face it famous people can do any crime they want and not get in trouble). It said she won. Now I'm a lot of things. Hot, attractive, appealing, delicious, buff, talented, magical, and salty. But a poet? I wasn't even so sure. I was in a vortex of confusion. Until the dump truck left 20 barrels of molasses and rice wafers in our driveway. Then things came into perspective for me. 

The first thing I did was cover all of Rudolph's underwear in molasses. The next thing I did was prank call Roxie. And the third thing I did was pour the molasses into a plastic swimming pool and take videos of me swimming in it and upload them on youtube. But the fourth thing I did was think about what I'd done. It wasn't really in my name who this stuff belonged to, technically Rudolph had won. What if she received some trophy or something at her next Rainbow Girls meeting, and had no clue what they were talking about? They couldn't take back the molasses pool, I had already peed in it. Suddenly I knew: I had to tell Rudolph the truth. 

Rudolph's bedroom was across the hall from mine, so instead of walking all the way over there I just IMed her and said: "Hey sis. I entered a NRGA contest and won molasses and wafers under your name. LOL. Your hair looks like parmesan cheese. LMFAO."

She just said: "whatever. You are such a loser."

I took that as a "Yes, keep the molasses and rice wafers, and put them in my backpack tomorrow."

I did as I was told. 

The World Has Turned to Jello

NEWSFLASH: 

THE WORLD HAS ENDED.

Everything is wrong.

Everything is JELLO.

Why?

You ask.

Well, young grasshopper,

Shrub asked out Roxie.

AND SHE SAID YES.

Life in a spinning vortex of confusion (whoa, I just dazzled myself with that deepness). I mean seriously. These past couple weeks have been so confuzin'.

EXHIBIT A:

I was at a Subway and I asked out the cashier. She not only hit me with salami but as I was leaving I said, "I guess you're not into hot guys" and then she said "well that doesn't apply to you". Seriously. She must have been blind. And deaf (my voice is like a harp).

EXHIBIT B:

I was jammin in my garage all freestyle and then my neighbor came in screaming she'd called an ambulence. She thought she heard the sounds of someone giving birth, but it was just my music. I do not sound like I am giving birth, I sound like a tiger. Roar. Hi-ya!

EXHIBIT C (the worst evidence ever):

Shrub asked out Roxie. On AIM. He emailed me the convo.

Shrubinator: Hey.

FoxyRoxie54 (HAHAHAHAHA. Foxy. Yeah, right.): Um, like, hey

Shrubinator: My cousin got at Sea World.

FoxyRoxie54: That's nice.

Shrubinator: One of the manatees is expected to give birth on Saturday night.

FoxyRoxie54: Great.

Shrubinator: My cousin invited me. I can bring a guest. Would you like to come?

FoxyRoxie54: Like a date?

Shrubinator: Yea gurl.

FoxyRoxie54: Well my cable's out so I have nothing better to do.

They went. Shrub wouldn't tell me anything. Except for the named the baby manatee Chuck.

Stall Wall Gossip = Golden Opprotunity

Hey guys its Percy a.k.a. the hottest piece of steak you'll ever meet a.k.a. 87 pounds of pure sexy a.k.a. the Rock Doc a.k.a. the Chosen One. 

Sorry I haven't written on the blog in so long. My toe fell off, so I was having it replaced with a robot toe. I call it RoboToe. Only kidding. I just had lice.

So yesterday was my first day back at school (and my mom made me wear a hairnet so I wouldn't infect the other kids. I just told everyone it was a netted doo-rag) and my hairnet flopped in my face so I couldn't see very well. This was while I was walking into the bathroom, and I accidently walked into the girls bathroom. There was no one inside, so I just thought to might as well stay in there. Good thing I had my sharpie, cause I wrote "Percy Nuglet is a babe" on the sink. But anyways, while I was in the stall, I found metaphorical gold: gossip. It was like I was an episode of Gossip Girl. (Not that I watch that show, but if I did watch it I would remark that I am the epitome of Chuck Bass)

There was a list.  A list of the top twenty guys that are most kissable. For some strange reason I wasn't on the list. My name must of been erased or something. Anyways, I took my sharpie, crossed off Malcom Writtle (he think he's so great because he's captain of the cupstacking team) as number one and put my own name. Next to it I wrote:

Percy is a hottie biscotti! He's in a band! He's ripped! He's so desirable!

After that I decided to leave (the bathroom smelled like puke from all the belmia at our school). The next day at school, girls started to look at me. And giggle. And point. And wink. And strip. (Alright that last one isn't true, but I know what they were thinking). And Cindy was  nice to me for once. Nice. Cindy. Ha! She told me I looked European! (I knew the barret was a good choice). I was man candy to the extreme. I started wondering what I'd done differently that day. I put on the same amount of Axe as I normally do (a tablespoon), put the same amount of gel in my hair as I normally do (none since my hair is naturally LUCIOUS), and I wore the same man tank as I normally do. Then I remembered: the bathroom. Other girls thought I was desired, so I became desired. 

After school, I called my mom that there was a shooting a Rudolph's elementary school so she'd be late picking me up. I snuck into the girl's bathroom again. This time, I went into stall number four (aka make out stall, which is grossly next to puke stall but whatever). I wrote:

Percy Nuglet has the kewlest band! It's called Mac and Cheese Mermaid! He is a rock star! Nick Jonas eats worms!

The last one was just for my pleasure. 

As one could come to expect, the next day, all these girls came up to MCM and was like:

"I love your songs!"

"Your music rocks!"

"You guys are sooo awesome!"

"Percy Nuglet looks like Channing Tatum!"

Alright that last one isn't true, but if you hang upside down and sneeze really hard I look exactly like him. 

Also, Malcom's been super depressed lately. As the oldest member of the Cub Scout troop he was trying to sell wafers made from recycled pants. But since he wasn't at the top of the kissable list, no one would buy it from him. He ended up eating all the wafers himself, alone, in the handicapped locker. Also, Whitney Hughs dumped him! Score. Now she can move on to something hotter: me. 

After school I told my mom that Sear's was having a sale on lingerie so she'd pick me up later. On the bathroom I wrote: 

Percy Nuglet is such a great kisser! His face tastes like spring rolls!

Spring rolls are delicious. 

The next day at school, all these random girls kept coming up to my and sniffing my cheek. A couple of them even kissed me. 

"Omg Percy you are a great kisser!"

"It does taste like spring rolls!"

"Percy my bra came undone. Will you help me hook it in the back?"

Alright that last one isn't true. But it will be. I just need to make one final installment in the bathroom today ...

I called my mom and told her that David Hasslehoff was streaking in our backyard so she'd be late to pick me up. I snuck into the girls bathroom, my trusty sharpie in hand, and was about to write in the stall when I heard ...

"PERCY!?"

It was Cindy. Crap.

"Have you been writing all this stuff about yourself?" she asked.

"No."

"Then why are you in the girl's bathroom."

"I'm having an identity crisis."

"No you're not. I'm taking you to the main office."

CRAP. 

So I had to have a talk with Principle Brawling. It was not fun. She banned me from going to the bathroom at school–BOYS AND GIRLS! Even unisex!

"Well then how will I take care of business?" I rebuttled.

"Here," Principle B said, throwing some hideous smelling contraption at my face. "It's a bedpan."

"Ew so I have to go in this? During class!?" I asked.

"Yup."

"Do I have to carry it around?"

"Yup."

"DANG!" I cried.

Not only do I have to carry a bedpan around, but Cindy wrote on the walls that I have a mouth disease from making out with a deer. I would never make out with any woodland creature, especially not a deer.

Ugh. 

Breakout (but not acne, since my face is as clear as Roxie's personality)

I'm in detention right now because I'm a total badass. 

Me and Gilb were in ceramics, and I spit in his vase. So he threw a chunk of clay at me and called me a bafoon. So I threw one back, but it kinda hit my ceramics teacher in the eye. She started rolling on the ground cause she thought she was on fire or something, but it was just her eye that was blinded. Good thing Larry had an extra eye patch.

So yeah, Gilb and I are in detention, which sucks cause MCM was gonna practice our new song, Percy's Ballad, in our upcoming showdown with CCC. 

Detention is run by student council president, Cindy (the teachers are in their annual "Faculty Fiesta" where they put pictures of their least favorite students on a piñata. Or so I've heard). I convinced her to let me have my laptop by wrapping my arms with toilet paper and making it look like it was broken (Cindy has the IQ of  Fig Newton). 

We need to breakout, and fast. It's 6:00 right now. Detention ends at 8, but at 8 Larry is getting something removed (but he won't tell us what). So if we want to get any band time in, we need to leave fast (and we need band time in order to CRUSH CCC). I am trying to come up with a plan to distract Cindy and sneak out. I have two so far

a) I go up to get a tissue by turn of the lights, making the room pitch black. I then grab one of Cindy's braids and cut it off. I throw said braid out the window. Lights back on, Gilb and I are in our seats, so she never suspects a thing. Cindy starts freaking out, and goes to hunt down whoever chopped off her braid. I tell her the discription of the person who did it. I describe the principle. Cindy tries to beat the principle, then gets expelled. Gilbert and I are free men.

b) distract her with seduction

I chose b, since it was easier (I am very attractive, after all). Here's how Operation: Sexy Edition began:

Percy: Oh my gosh my arms are just so heavy.

Cindy: Those twigs?

Percy: I work out. A lot.

Cindy: You weigh like 60 pounds.

Percy: 87, thank you. And you just can't handle these guns of steel.

Cindy: Trust me, there are no leathal weapons in this room. 

Percy: [New tactic: Show off my killer bod] Oh man it's HOT in here [I begin to lift up my shirt]

Cindy: What are you doing?

Percy: Just, embracing the heat.

Cindy: Pull that down Percy and get back in your seat. And how much cologne are you wearing?

Percy: That, my fair lady, is the stench of a man. 

Cindy: Sit down Percy.

Percy: [New tactic: Make Cindy jealous, thus she'll want me] Man, I had such a wild time in mom's minivan last night!

Cindy: With your mom?

Percy: No! With Whitney Hughs.

Cindy: Captian of the cheerleading team? I don't think so. 

Percy: [New tactic: Make Cindy insecure so she'll think I'm the best she can get] Have you gained weight?

Cindy: What?!

Percy: It's ok, I don't mind if you're a chunker (she's actually pretty skinny, but shhh ... it's all part of the plan!)

Cindy: Did you just say I'm fat?

Percy: Maybe.

Cindy: You are such a donkeyhole! Leave me alone!

Percy: You mean we're free to go?

Cindy: Anything to get you away from me.

Percy: Score.

And that's how you DOMINATE. 

NEW SONG: Percy's Ballad

I have decided to write a slow song for two reasons

1) To impress da ladiezzzz

2) To PWN Cheese Casserole Centaur (the Stupid Troop)

Hey sorry I haven't updated the blog recently. My house was undergoing some renovations. It all started when I locked Rudolph in the basement because her shirt was really bugging me. So she decided to ram the wall using the washing machine to break out. Since she's kinda an idiot, she mashed it against the wall while it was running, so water poured out every where. Rudolph didn't know what to do so she tried to drink it, then just swam. Finally, my mom came home from work (she is a receptionist at a prison) and saw water leaking from the house. So she called 911. Apparently, 911 had blocked our calls (Rudolph prank calls them a lot), so she called her uncle, who brought his axe to chop through the basement door and save Rudolph. Anyways, it took a while to clean up the flood. As a punishment for locking Rudolph down there in the first place, I had to drink all the water through a straw (man I'm gonna get so fat from drinking all that water and I cannot lose my figure). And I think Rudolph peed in it. 

Since MCM does not have the budget or the energy to produce a legit music video, I have described what the music video would look like in brackets next to the lyrics. So it's like you can have a movie in your head. Snipe. 

PERCY'S BALLAD

[Scene opens with me playing the piano in a meadow with black stallions circling me in a V formation. Shrub is in his courdary pants, playing guitar on the top of the piano. Gilb and Larry are riding mules who are making a zig zag formation across the piano (they are playing drums and triangle). Camera flips to Roxie, who is in a cage.]

You and I,

are like a glacier and the sun, [I get up from the piano's seat as doves fly to me and begin to unbutton my shirt. I have a nice chest and a six pack. My phone number flashes up on the screen.]

You and I,

are like cupcakes and a bb gun [doves bring me a gun and I shoot them all down. Camera switches to scene of Gilbert rain dancing in a nearby river. Exotic mermaids swim around him chanting Dutch lullabies in hushed tones.]

You and I,

are more different than anyone

I've ever met [I am now walking on flames, followed by Shrub who is playing guitar and has wings]

Fire and water [Scene to Larry walking on water while playing drums]

ocean and sea

salt and vinegar [Roxie bites cage. She can't get out. Haha. She plays keyboard though, inside her little cage.]

drugs and honey

We're totally opposites

but that's alright with me [Blonde Swedish triplets in tankinis circle me and throw confetti at my face. Then they start making out with each other. It's really hot.]

We tend to fight,

like Rosie and Trump, [our celebrity guest dancer, David Hasslehoff, comes on screen and starts to do the worm]

but me without you

is like a camel without a hump [I am now in a cornfield, wearing nothing but neon green boxer shorts and tin shoes]

CHORUS:

Cause I need you [Band is all together know, backing me up in the cornfield, rocking. Even Roxie is rocking from her cage.]

Like a bird needs air

Tigger needs Pooh Bear [I play the electric piccalo and begin to lead wild wolves to a forest]

Gilb needs itch-proof underwear

And I want you like 

a bee wants a flower [Larry appears in a jumpsuit made entirely out of pansies and his drums turn to buttercups.]

Larry wants candy that is sour

Roxie wants a shower [Roxie eats a rock]

Cause without you,

I'm a hobo on the streets [flash forward to me outside of a CVS in dirty clothes making faces at the middle school children as the scamper by]

begging for chicken

and grabbing people's feet [I grab an old guy's foot and he falls onto the sidewalk which turns into a chocolate river. I fall in the river and emerge from it in a pleather suit. All the band members are now in red pleather, jammin.]

I remember the first time you called my phone,

I was watching Home Alone, [Roxie, Shrub, Gilbert and Larry chant from the background; The Sequel!]

your voice was smooth like silk [I wake up in a venus fly trap, silk covering my muscles. I am glistening in the moonlight]

so I melted into milk

When you asked me out

I jumped and danced about

I waxed my chest

and in five minutes I was dresses [for this whole verse I am on a unicorn, parading over mountains and valleys. I am wearing a white shirt with puffy sleeves, and spandex. When I sing, it is like angels are pouring out of my mouth.]

There you were standing at my door [Shrub is playing cat's cradle with Larry in a pine tree]

then you fell on the floor,

cause I tripped you with my foot

sorry about that toots [I am now playing the piccalo on the setting sun, canaries dancing on my head, breading my hair and putting those beads on the end of each bread. You know, like they do in the Bahamas.]

CHORUS

Without you

I am a daisy without a stem

a skirt without a hem

an emo without a cut

jeans without a butt [the band and I are playing on a big rock in the middle of a lake. We are all wearing clothes made out of ice. We are rocking so hard the unicorns swimming in the water begin to cry.]

CHORUS x2 [We basically just prance around in a Spring meadow, playing our hearts out (Roxie's cage is now on wheels so she can move). The sun is setting, doves are flying in the air spelling MCM in the sky.]

Ohhh ... baby [close up on my face as I blow a kiss to the camera]

[Fade out.]

Cheese Casserole Centaur Must Die

Breaking News: Roxie Sucks.

Only kidding. Not about Roxie sucking, that's a fact. But it's not breaking news.

But 4realzies, I have actual breaking news:

Actual Breaking News: Mac and Cheese Mermaid has COMPETITION. Thus, there will be a battle of the bands!

Their name is Cheese Casserole Centaur [hmm ... a complete RIPOFF of our name] and we don't know who they are or have heard their music, we just know that they're really good. Why you might ask? Well young grasshopper, I found a note tapped to my locker that said:

Hey Percy and all the other LAMEOS of Mac and Cheese Mermaid

You guys must be Lunchables because you're about to be SERVED!

Cheese Casserole Centaur is now officially the best band ever. 

We have costumes, lyrics, music, and pie.

We're really good too. 

P.S. You guys must be sliced pineapple, because you're about to be SALTED.

Seriously? Who puts salt on pineapple? Weird people, that's who.

But they're really good, they said so themselves. It's so strange that we finally have some competition other than Fall Out Boy.

I searched them up on Facebook, Myspace, AIM, Google, but then I found something awful.

THEY HAVE A BLOG! It's www.cheesecasserolecentaur.blogspot.com

WE HAD A BLOG FIRST.

Here is the loser gang. I call them the StupidTroop:

lead singer: Preston

Guitarist: Hedge

Drummer: One-Armed Garry

Accordian: Sheldon

Keyboard: Trixie

Now I know exactly what you're thinking. What kind of name is Preston?

Gosh, those noobs.

They already wrote a post.

DISSING US.

And they're disses were lame.

I could come up with something better if I were blind, deaf, lost all taste in my tongue, were strapped to a camel trudging across the swamp at midnight, being hit with a club by Jack Black.

Amateurs. 

New Song: Panther

NEW SONG: PANTHER

I know they're looking' 

when I walk by

I can hear the ladies

scream "my oh my"

They yell "he's hot"

and I can't disagree

cause guilty as charged

so baby handcuff me

Being hot is a gift 

but a sickness too

I can't keep da ladies off

they're like glue

cause I'm hot like ...

apple stew!

CHORUS:

Cause I'm super cool

a ten out of ten

I'm like the Angelina Jolie

of men

I strut down the halls

Showing what I got

But touch and you'll get burned 

Cause I'm hot

Baby I'm a panther

roar 

roar

roar

A panther

roar 

roar 

roar

The most dangerous cat of the jungle

I'm danger at its finest

a CAUTION sign around my neck

I'm that guy all the girls want

but can't get

I ain't got no leather jacket

or motorcycle

but I got killer class

and killer style

And not to mention

I'm insanely strong

I'm benchpressing 180

I got it goin' on

It's hard to be so hot

girls faint when I near me

they scream "doctor! doctor!"

good thing I have a medical degree 

CHORUS

Deep in the jungle

the panther lies low

King of the Jungle

ready to put on a show!

CHORUS [x2]

The Band's Reactions:

Shrub: That was off the chain!

Larry: Wicked awesome man!

Gilbert: It's so cool I cried.

Roxie: It makes no sense. You're not hot, and "da ladies" are not all over you. And you definitely do not have a medical degree. And pshhh ... you don't even weigh 180 pounds–more like 80.

Roxie's opinion doesn't count.

The Prom: What Really Happened

Yeah.

Yesterday was the prom.

Which we wanted to crash.

To kidnap the DJ and just happen to see our instruments there and play and save the night.

Didn't happen as we planned.

So we were getting ready at my house, and I was looking really hot, like you could have grilled cheese on me I was so hot. I was wearing my rocker yet classy tuxedo t-shirt, Shrub was wearing his I'm with Stupid shirt, Larry wasn't wearing a shirt, Gilbert had his Star Trek shirt, and Roxie was wearing something which I think was supposed to be a dress but looked like puke. [Most of us] looked pretty awesome. We looked so hot that no one would ever suspect us to be the kidnappers. That's why attractive people are always the most dangerous. Thus, I have not had a girlfriend yet because women think I am dangerous.

Anymuppets, we got Shrub's older brother Theodore (but he goes by Chuy) to drive us in his old minivan. We had all our proper kidnapping material: a rope, a fork, a blindfold, whipped cream, false mustaches, ribbon, a bandaid, and a chocolate bar (in case he's a fatty–then we can lure him in).  Once we arrived at the school, we snuck passed the teachers guarding the enterance (Chuy pretending to be a bully pounding on Gilbert–it was a perfect distraction, until Chuy got really into it and actually beat up Gilb). Once there, we spotted the DJ. Here's how the conversation went:

Percy: There he is!

Roxie: I think I dated that guy.

Percy: That's impossible no guy would ever date you.

Shrub: Gilbert stop bleeding all over my loafers!

Gilbert: Your brother has a pretty hard punch.

Shrub: He teaches an online karate class.

Gilbert: Percy can I borrow the bandaid?

Percy: No, we need that for phase 9 of kidnapping plan.

Gilbert: What's the plan again?

Percy: Didn't you read the handout.

Roxie: I did.

Percy: Roxie you are illiterate. 

Roxie: Since when?

Percy: Since ever. Larry, why do you have your shirt off?

Larry: And cover this up? I don't think so. Drink it in, drink it in. Looking's free but touching–

Roxie: Isn't going to happen. 

Percy: Shrub, you got the rope?

Shrub: Solid.

Percy: Give it to Larry, he knows what to do.

Larry: Knot tying is one of my many powers, that's why I was a Level 4 Cub Scout.

Roxie: What other 'powers' do you have?

Larry: Bad mitton, stand up comedy, and seduction.

Roxie: Ew. 

Percy: Larry, just do your thang. 

Larry takes the rope, stuffs it in his pants, then crawls on the floor to the DJ booth. I follow him and hide behind the booth (as backup). 

Larry: Hey.

DJ: Whoa! Kid! Where'd you come from?

Larry: Mr., I think my pancreas has a rip. Will you sew it up for me?

DJ: I'm not a surgeon.

Larry: With those hands? Come on, I have a needle all ready.

DJ: [looks at hands] Well ...

Larry: Please, I think my brain cells are dying. I'm forgetting my name.

DJ: I'll call an ambulence.

Larry: I can't, the cops are looking for me. I, I ... freed Paris Hilton from jail.

DJ: You did?

Larry: For realzies. She's in the janitors closet right now. 

DJ: No way!

Larry: Way. But hey, I'm going to call my friend who is a surgeon. Do you mind if I borrow your cell phone while I still know what numbers are?

DJ: Sure kid. [hands cell phone] Now, where's Paris?

Larry: She's hiding in the janitors closet two doors down from your left. 

DJ: Thanks. Hey, man the music station while I'm gone?

Larry: Sure, whatever music is.

[DJ runs off to janitor's closet where Roxie and Shrub are waiting for him. Idiot.]

Larry jumps up onto booth and presses some buttons on the lap top.

Larry: The music won't turn off!

Gilbert: I think my arm is broken!

Percy: You and your needs Gilbert. 

Larry: Maybe there's a power cord I can pull.

Percy: There's an electrical box at the other side of the gym–go turn it off there.

Larry: Good idea!

Percy: What can I say, I'm a thinker.

Gilbert: I feel dizzy ... so much blood ...

Percy: Gilb, bleeding is completely controllable. Just ask your brain to tell your body to stop. 

[Larry is running to the electrical box by now. He looks at it a bit, not really sure which button to press. So he hits all of theme.]

The music turned off, but all the lights did too. It was pitch black, like midnight stallion. Everyone started to scream and that kid with the red hair (the one who everyone tries to eat) pulled the fire alarm, and it started raining down on us. I heard Ms. Ulexhuh's voice come over and say; "EVACUATE! WE ARE BEING ATTACKED." We didn't know what to do, so me and Larry (dragging Gilbert who was slightly unconscious by now) went to the parking lot.

Once the teachers went back inside they turned off the alarm, but it was too late because the fire department was already there [they started blasting Larry with the hose because they overheard him saying how hot he was]. Once the ambulence people spotted Gilbert, they asked me if he was dead. I said that if he was he probably just joking. They took him away on a stretcher anyways. 

Then we saw the DJ emerge from the school, wearing nothing but a pair of shredded pants and had whipped cream on his chest. I can only imagine the amount of torture Shrub and Roxie put him through. 

The prom kinda ended right there. Parents picked up their children, Chuy came back in his minivan and dropped us off (except for Gilbert who was still in an ambulence). So, we didn't get to play at the prom. But I did steal a couple packets of splenda from the punch table and since my shirt was white it was see-through when the sprinklers turned on (a little treat for the ladies). But then again, Gilbert did bleed a lot and we never got to play. But after the prom ended there were a bunch of cream sodas left over, so we put them all in Chuy's van (take that Ms. Ulexhuh). Overall, it was a pretty decent night. 

Prom Crashers

So we were in the band suite, chillin like fudgesicles, and talking about our high school musical equivalents [Me: Zac Efron, Shrub: Corbin Bleu, Larry: Lucas Grabeel, Gilbert: the dude who bakes whose name escapes me, Roxie: Ms. Darbus], when the phone rang.

Here's how it went.

Me: Espaco I'll give you your belt in a week; ok? If you call me one more time I am going to egg your house.

Voice: This isn't Espaco. [this voice is female]

Me: Well then may I introduce myself. Nuglet. Percy, Nuglet.

Voice: This is Ms. Ulexuh.

Me: Oh! Teacher! Ew!

Voice: Ew?

Me: I mean ... yum?

Voice: Let's just cut to the chase. You know how your band is playing at the prom in a few days?

Me: Yeah.

Voice: Well there's been some last minute changes.

Me: What kind of changes?

Voice: The school found enough money to hire a DJ.

Me: WHAT? This cannot be fo'sho!

Voice: Fo'sho it is I'm afraid. I'm really sorry Percy, and to all the members of Chicken Pot Pie Unicorn.

Me: It's Mac and Cheese Mermaid. Chicken Pot Pie Unicorn is a stupid name for a band. 

Voice: I'm sorry Percy.

[Suddenly Larry trips over a guitar cord and falls down on the ground on his face. It was hilarious.]

Voice: What was that noise?

Me: Just Larry falling down.

Voice: But I heard a clash.

Me: He keeps spare coins in his eyepatch.

Voice: He could get an infection.

Me: He already went through an infection phase in seventh grade, and now he claims that he was so sick before that he's immune to all diseases. That's why we have him eat the leftover chemicals in Chemistry.

Voice: That's dangerous. I must go now. Bye.

Me: TTYL.

But that was a lie. I would not TTYL. Ms. Ulexuh was no longer a friend of mine. After I broke the news to the band, they were devastated. 

Shrub: We were playing at the prom?

Larry: Ow! I think I got a penny stuck in my eye!

Gilbert: Take off the eyepatch then!

Larry: No it ruins the illusion!

Roxie: We were getting paid?

Me: Only in cream soda.

Roxie: I hate cream soda.

Me: I know. [devious smile]

Gilbert: Well, this is terrible.

Me: Tell me about it.

Shrub: Light bulb! I just had an idea!

Roxie: Spill.

Shrub: Let's crash the prom!

Gilbert: But all students are allowed to attend.

Shrub: I mean we'll crash the music part. Well ... what if we kidnap the DJ?

Roxie: That's a stupid idea.

Me: So stupid it just might work.

Roxie: No, I mean so stupid that it's a federal offense.

Me: Your're a federal offense!

We ended up taking a vote on it. Me and Shrub voted yes, Roxie voted no, Larry was having a reaction to the penny in his eye and began shaking (I took this as a yes), and Gilbert was in the kitchen raiding my pantry for poptarts (I took his vote as a yes too). Majority rules. In a few days, MCM will be rocking the prom!

Justice is Served

Lots of you have been all up in my grill and spoonin' my applesauce and being all "why you hatin' on Roxie?"

Maybe I didn't make this clear enough why I hate her.

People think that I mean to her because she is a girl. Firstily, I have nothing against the ladies and I respect them (I don't even subscribe to Playboy–and that's not because the mailwoman is in my mom's book group and would rat me out). Secondly, I'm pretty sure Roxie is not a girl. Although she wears pink and has a rather feminine face, I don't really think she is 100% female. I have true scientific evidence to defend that: if she was a girl, I would be hitting on her. But I am not. Thus, she is not a girl. I'm not sure if she's a guy either–it's a grey area.

I know, I know, she's in the band. And bandmates have to stick up for each other, pay for each other's lunches, shave each other's backs when they break both arms in a powerscooter incident. But Roxie wouldn't bring a razor near me even if I had broken legs too, and this lack of dedication disappoints me.

Don't believe me that Roxie is the worst? Check out this list that I have so conviently typed up for you:

WHY ROXIE IS THE WORST

1) her afro got stuck in my dream catcher I made a summer camp

2) She used a guitar string as dental floss

3) She smells like oyster crackers

4) She chucked my pinini maker at my minifridge which then melted all my ice cream dots which I won in an online contest for guessing celeberties' weight

5) She works at Libby Lu.

6) It was really hot out one day so I tried to fry an egg on the sidewalk. Roxie stepped in it. Yeah, ew. I had to eat it off her foot.

7) Her vests have so many rhinestones that one time she walked past me and made my arm bleed.

8) She illegally downloaded Japanese ballet horror movies on my ipod and erased all my 50 Cent and T-Pain.

9) She cut off the sleeves of my faux Lacoste polo and told me that man tank tops were "in". They so weren't.

10) Yesterday MCM went to a fair. She ate my corndog. 

11) She told Shrub that Larry said that Gilbert said that I said that he had thunder thighs (which I never said because Shrub's legs are toothpicks).

12) She doesn't think my six pack is legit.

13) She tricked me into wearing my space ranger pajamas into the woods and then took pictures of me. She said she emailed them to Mitchell Musso (how/if she knows him I'm not sure. But if she really did them them to him I bet he looks at them everyday. I would). 

14) Shrub likes her.

How Well Do You Know MCM: Quiz

You think you know MCM like the back of your back? Well take this quiz to find out. I'll post the answers in a comment bellow. NO CHEATING. Tell me what you got. Thanks, bub.

--Percy

1) Who is the drummer?

a) Percy

b) Shrub

c) Larry

d) Gilbert

2) Who does Percy Nuglet hate?

a) Pete Wentz

b) Roxie

c) Mitchell Musso

d) All of the above

3) What was MCM's breakout hit?

a) Plumber

b) Toxic Waste

c) Hands off My Thighs!

d) Big Blue Whale

4) What is Percy Nuglet's rating on a scale form 1 - 10?

a) 10

b) 11

c) googleplex

d) empooninia

5) Who was Roxie's first boyfriend?

a) Shrub

b) Enrico [foreigner]

c) Gerard (dude from our math class, not the dude from MCR–who are comparable to MCM)

d) Josh Pelliman

6) Why is Larry hot? [Larry wrote this question btw]

a) his rock solid abs

b) his movie-star good looks

c) his kick-butt sense of style

d) his eyepatch

e) his peg leg

f) all of the above

7) Why does Roxie SUCK? (question by me, Percy)

a) she's a weirdo and she eats mac and cheese through a straw

b) my dog Flippy was growling at her so she chucked my pinini maker at him but it hit my minifridge and melted all my ice cream dots

c) she prank called me pretending to be a hot girl and telling me to meet her in my suggestive boxers that I got from the black market, when really she just took pictures of me and put them on the internet and emailed them to Mitchell Musso [who I'm sure looks at them every day]

d) her afro got stuck in my dream catcher

e) all of the above

8) Who was Percy's first girlfriend?

a) Whitney Hughs

b) Roxie

c) Jessica Alba

d) He hasn't had one yet because no one is good enough for him and he's just too hot.

9) Which one of these is NOT one of Gilbert's cyberbuddies' screenames in 'Wizards and Warlocks'?

a) PheonixP0000WNER334

b) WOWURMOMSACOW

c) Canadian_Spy_Boi

d) Ming_o_o..83

e) Howie Mandell

10) Which one of the following events has NOT happened to Shrub's chinchilla Frank?

a) he was on the counter and he accidentally jumped into the toaster but then popped out in time to get tan lines

b) he fell in the toilet (they just don't make them small enough these days)

c) he almost fell into the french fry vat at Burger King

d) he bit P!nk (the singer)

e) he peed on Kelly Clarkson

Fall Out Boy and got Notin' on MCM

RIEN!

Pardon my French.

[rien is french for dayyyyummmmmm]

The prom was postPOWNED.

Can you believe that?

Ms. Ulexuh got attacked by a beaver (her own fault; she shouldn't have been hunting during Wind Season) and thought she had rabies. Turns out she didn't, but she spent so much time in the hospital that she didn't have time to prepare for the prom. So it's postpowned until next week.

Also, I'm pretty pissé [french for pissed]

Not only did Rudolph try to flush my French/English pocket dictionary down the toilet but some deaf girl named Cindy who goes to my school came out with a blog. I know she's deaf because she says she doesn't like our music. She thought that Fall Out Boy was better than us. Pshhh Pete Wentz wishes he could be me. But anyways check out what LAMO wrote:

Hey guy's it's Cindy's weekly music review! Today I am going to be comparing my favorite band Fall Out Boy to my ex boyfriend's (Larry) band Mac and Cheese Mermaid. I heard two of their three songs and they are LAME. They have no rythm, their lyrics make no sense, and their lead singer tried to nugget my backpack last week. Their keyboarder is wicked creepy too. Their music is completely off-key and Percy sounds like Miley Cyrus going through a wood chipper. Their music SUCKS. Fall Out Boy on the other hand is very hot and has never nuggeted me or dumped me. And their music is actually GOOD. Pete Wentz is wayyyyy better than Percy Nuglet times a thousand!

Can you believe her stupidity? Just because we don't wear an insane amount of guyliner like FOB does doesn't mean we aren't da bomb. Pete Wentz was probably insanely jealous of me and paid her to write that. I do not sound like Miley Cyrus going through a woodchipper. If Areatha Franklin and Elvis Presley had a child, I'd sound like him.

Tattoos, Aliens, and Rumor Patrol

MY THOUGHTS AT THIS MOMENT:

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo on my back right above the thong line. 

It's gonna say Mac And Cheese Mermaid: We're so Kewl We Make Ice Look Hot. Roxie Sux. I rule.

That might be really painful to get that much ink but oh well it'll be worth it. 

So whenever I bend over not only are people getting a view of my velour boxers but my tattoo also. 

PROM UPDATE:

Thanks for all your fetch suggestion guys, but some anonymus chick named Alexa suggested the alien theme. So we're doing that. We're going to spray paint ourselves silver and put antenas on our heads. It's going to be off the chain. 

RUMOR PATROL:

I do not like Roxie. There some blogs which shall NOT BE NAMED which are saying that I like Roxie. But I don't [Shrub does]. But I actually have standards so I would never date her. And lactose makes me puffy, and since Roxie eats so much spray cheese all the time I wouldn't be able to stand being around her. I would rather date Gilbert than Roxie, which would be incredibly awkward considering we're cousins and I like girls (and I'm pretty sure he does too).

Yesterday Roxie asked me to give her a headlice check. I refused, but Larry used his drumsticks to search her head. He didn't find any lice, but he did find a token for a free mustard at Chuck E. Cheese's. He kept that for himself.

He shoots ... He scores ... Touchdown for Dr. Nuglet

Oh yeah.

Dr. Nuglet has SCORED.

Once again.

Why am I referring to myself now as Dr. Nuglet? Good question. No, I do not have a degree in boneology, brainology, dentology or legology, or even botox. But I am a doctor. A doctor of rock. Booyah.

The "Rock Doc".

How awesome is that?

I just came up with that all on my own. 

The Rock Doc.

Bedazzle that on a leather jacket.

Anywillers, sorry I haven't been writing on the blog for a while. The band's been super busy. Actually that's a lie. I just forgot the password until now. But I wrote it down on my hand, so I'm 100% positivio that it will never happen again. 

Not much has happened recently except for the biggest news ever.

We got a legit gig that's not at a diner, my cousin's 6th birthday, or playing for Gilb's cyber buddies. 

That's right. We're playing at our SCHOOL PROM.

Yeahhhh. Ms. Ulexhuh was totally cool with us rockin' out at the prom [partially because we're SICK, partially because we volunteered to be paid in cream soda]. The prom's next friday. We have to start rehearsing some more and come up some new songs (we only know three). We should also get costumes. Any ideas folks?

Oh yeah. Apparently Mac and Cheese Mermaid has a cult and cult-blog called Mac and Cheese Mermaid Cult.

It was about time we got some fans.

You see, MCM is like fire. You can't lock in a cage because that'd just be stupid. Fire can just go through the cage. Cause it's fire. 

TOASTED. 

A Blast of Rocks

So I was wicked bored today. I'm at home, Googling myself on my computer, but all I found were some Scottish Shishkobob recipes and a Japanese website selling illegal tuna (why the tuna was illegal I'm still not sure). Like wicked bored. I have nothing to do, except for homework. But let's face it that's not going to get done, so why waste time debating whether or not to do it? 

    I'm still wicked bored. There's no Red Bull in our fridge and the cable's been out ever since Rudolph shot the cable box with Denny's hunting rifle (but apparently the Home Shopping Network still works).

    And I'm just like; this is lame. I should be rockin' out insanely right about now. But the band hasn't gotten any gigs in a while, so we haven't practiced that much either. And now I'm looking at clown breakdance on Youtube.

    Then it hit me like a blast of rocks. The prom. Our school prom is coming up in a couple weeks. And since I'm wicked tight with the guidance counsler Mrs. Ulehxuh (I gave her a basket of muffins at the end of the year last year wishing her a festive summer), who is also head of the dance committee, I'm sure I can book us a gig.

    But just in case my foolproof plan fails, I'm gonna need some signatures petitioning to make our band play at the prom. Thanks bro/bra.

Rock out and stay kewl.

---Percy

A Note From Shrub ...

      Hey groupies and weird middle aged child predators. It's me, Shrub–guitarist for MCM.

Percy's letting me give a little shout out to all my homie's out there (I'm sure there are a lot of Shrub fans) while he hunts down his little sister for writing on his blog. But to be honest Rudolph could outrun Percy any day and he won't be able to catch her. So he'll probably just put toothpaste in her Oreos or plastic wrap on her toilet.

     I've decided to answer some FAQ's (Frequently Asked Questions) you rocker-stalkers have been asking about the band. Or questions that I think are interesting, since not a lot of people ask about our band. 

Q: Who is Frank that is mentioned in a bunch of your songs?

A: Frank is my chinchilla and that little guy is sick nasty beast. Right now I'm trying to teach him how to jump through a ring of fire, but he's such a fat lard that just sits there eating his chicken wings.

Q: Do you like Roxie?

A: I think she has a big heart.

Q: So you think she's fat?

A: No! She's just muscled in areas ...

Q: Have you ever kissed her?

A: Accidentally.

Q: Accidentally?

A: I think she was my camp girl friend, LaShawkeeruh. It was an honest mistake. They were both wearing a white shirt.

Q: What's your fave MCM song?

A: Maybe Big Blue Whale, just because I have killer dance moves for it. 

Q: In your opinion, is the band going well?

A: Well we've been rockin' the garage stuff, that's fo' sho. But still it'd be sweet to finally preform somewhere that isn't a diner, you feel me? Like I was thinking we could egg a dentist's office or someplace where they have really high security, and as we get arrested we could sing and then our vocals would be heard on the local news. Then the music producer who just happens to by flipping by will hear us and give us a contract before we go to jail. Then we'll be released from jail early cause we're so attractive and talented and then we become famous. Twenty years later when we're burned out and have signed a contract to write half our songs about Mountain Dew, we'll have one final preformance in the very jail we were stuck in, that is before Gilbert gets shot (we all know that's going to happen some day). Then, once the band has broken up, I'll retire and start my own talk show and do occasional informercials for products like Snuggies and ShamWow! Then, when I'm on my death bed dying of the black plague, I'll whisper to my wives Tiffany and Selena (they'll be twins) that I love them, and tell them where I hid the gold bricks in our mansion. My dying breath will be "we're so hot we make ice look cold", and then I'll die.

IDK, it's just an idea.

Ignore the last post ...

IGNORE THE LAST POST.

My annoying little sister Rudolph (who can't spell) stole my computer and signed on here when I wasn't looking (I knew choosing Roxiesucks as a password was too predictable. Don't worry hackers it's changed now). She's been really angry lately ever since she found out she had headlice and it wasn't actually snowing on her head.

      But just for the record I do not love Miley Cyrus and I do not make out with her or a poster of her. I have made Shrub wear a wig, but that was for something else, not so he could pretend to be Miley Cyrus. Just for the record I've never made out with him either.

     SO .... yeah. IDK how to delete posts, but just know that that last one WAS NOT ME. I'm actually really cool and really attractive and really studly and girls pratically throw themselves at me every time I walk in a room. So yeah. Rudolph lies. 

       And I don't have B.O. I smell like Abercrombie with a dash of Calvin Klein.

      And I hate ponies too. If I had a pony I'd shoot it. 

PERCY = NOOB

hi its me percy and im a total noob and no one likes me cause im a loser and my music sucks toad butt.

i make out with my miley cyrus poster all the time and sometimes i make shrub put on a wig and pretend he's miley so i can practice introdoosing myself wen i meat her.

PONIES 4 EVA!

I have B.O.!!

Our Gig at Rutherford's Last Night

Band practice just ended yesterday like it normally did; Larry shared his pick-up line of the day (he has a calender) and Gilbert reanacted his dream he had last night involving Martha Stewart and water polo. No one really cared. Roxie was being weird, as usual, and fluffing her blonde/purple afro with a wrench she found on the band suite floor. We were all about to go and play video games (we play Guitar Hero to strengthen our musical abilities. We would play Rock Band but my little sister Rudolph sat on the disc so it's broken) when my Mom came into telling me that Uncle Denny was on the phone.

Uncle Denny's the type of uncle who will take you to a fun fair and let you get a tattoo. He's my mom's brother and he owns a restaurant called Rutherford's ("dang tootin' I wouldda called it Denny's but someone went and already took that name!). Occasionally he has live preformances at Rutherford's, but its mostly just him doing a sock puppet show or his wife (Aunt June) on the accordian. But occasionally he lets MCM rock the house when his puppet is at the laundromat or Aunt June's in Vegas. And this was one of those nights.

After I got off the phone with Denny I explained the good news to the band. Here's how the conversation went:

Gilbert: [on Runescape] Take that n00bs!

Shrub: Get off the computer Gilb.

Percy: Dudes, we got a gig.

Larry: For real?

Me: Legit.

Roxie: Where?

Me: Rutherford's.

Roxie: [sighs] But we always play there

Me: Roxie go live in a box.

Shrub: Don't tell her to live in a box!

Me: Sticking up for your girlfriend Shrub?

Shrub: She's not my girlfriend!

Me: I hope not.

Larry: Guys, we need to to talk costumes.

Gilb: Yeah homies.

Me: Gilb don't say homie. And any ideas for costumes?

Larry: It's gotta be something new, fresh.

Roxie: I'm thinking cheetah print.

Me: What are we, the Cheetah Girls?

Gilb: Dibs on Raven!

Larry: I've these sick red leather jackets from my mom's 80's days. 

Me: Perfect, bring 'em to da gig.

Larry: Solid.

*commence fist bump*

Two hours later we were at Rutherford's–ready to rock and play our three songs.  All we needed was the costumes, and Larry had given them to Roxie who had given them to Shrub who was late. We looked totally lame and unofficial without those jackets. We were all like; where the mustard is Shrub?

Finally he came in like two minutes later. Here's our convo:

Shrub: Sorry I'm late guys. I was on my way over here then some hobo stole my segway. And my sandwich.

Gilb: That's awful! What kind of sandwich was it?

Shrub: Guacamole. I had to walk two miles here.

Me: Dude do you have the costumes.

Shrub: Yeah bro.

Me: Well reveal them!

Turns out the costumes weren't red leather jackets but leotards. Larry's mom teaches girl scouts to ice skate, and he must have taken the wrong bag. 

So now we were going live in five minutes, and had nothing but leotards. So we did the only thing any respectable rocker would do; we tied them around our heads.

The concert went pretty well. Five people showed up; only three of which actually worked there. We were so sick nasty ill. At first everyone was all like "dudes what kind of puke are you wearing?" when they saw the leotards on our head (which I had to admit made me look even hotter than I already am). After we sang two songs Denny did his Paris Hilton impersonation then joined us on the tamberine. MCM likes to mix things up every once in a while–we're like Lunchables: we never expire.

NEW SONG LYRICS: Big Blue Wahle

Hey here's MCM's new song called Big Blue Whale. It's just the lyrics so far. Don't steal it or I'll hunt you down with my killer instincts.

--Percy

BIG BLUE WHALE

I wake up

it's a snowy afternoon

I got out of bed

put on my ... shoes

See yo' face

On my computer screen

Your IMin'

all over me

but I turn my status to 'away'

I don't wanna talk to you today ....

CHORUS:

Cause a you're a big blue whale 

in the ocean of my heart

[beat beat]

ocean of my heart

[beat beat]

And I'm a whaler

Roaming the seas

then I see your tail

cause your a whale ...

Baby you stuck a harpoon 

in my heart

I go to school

lookin' cool

like I always do

and then you're there

butterfly clips in your hair

socks on your feet

then I hear the beat

of my heart

heart

heart

CHORUS

Baby you're a whale ...

[Big Blue Whale]

You have a tail ...

[Cause You're A Whale]

Please don't kill me with a harpoon

Cause I don't to to be beached ...

CHORUS [x2]

Be jealous. 

Up Close and Personal With ... Percy

Kay Rockers and Dudettes.

Everyone once in a while our blog will do a feature on one of the band members. Since I'm clearly the most jacked, I shall go first.

Name: Percy Nuglet

Age: 16

Dating Status: Single (but not for long ... )

Rating (1-10): 11

Physical appearance: attractive

Likes: Music, Xbox, MCM (dur), the ladies (call me), salsa (the food not the dance -- dancing makes my thighs ache)

Dislikes: Roxie, my little sister (Rudolph), lima beans, poetry, Roxie, blenders, chores, math, science, french, english, history, debate team. Oh yeah and Roxie. And Snuggies. Those things give me nightmares.

Instrument: Vocals, electric piccalo (a lot of peeps have been all up in my face and been all "what's an electric piccalo". So I shall explain. An electric piccalo is simply a piccalo that you plug into a socket. Kaythxbye.)

Fave MCM Song: Plumber 

Recent Projects: In English class we had to write poems. I hate poetry, but my poem pretty much beasted the whole class indefinately. It's so good that I'm willing to post it here (who knows, maybe one day MCM will turn it into a song). I'm so deep its not even funny.

Percy's Poem: The Fire Within

luv is like a candle

everlasting and burning

with a firey rage

like a lion

roar

roar

meow

scratch

meow

purrrrrrrr

a lion that sleeps in a cave

beckoning its prey

a bird flutters by

flying home to its mother

just a baby

spreading its wings

it flies into a tree

the baby bird is dead

OWNED.