Stall Wall Gossip = Golden Opprotunity

Hey guys its Percy a.k.a. the hottest piece of steak you'll ever meet a.k.a. 87 pounds of pure sexy a.k.a. the Rock Doc a.k.a. the Chosen One. 

Sorry I haven't written on the blog in so long. My toe fell off, so I was having it replaced with a robot toe. I call it RoboToe. Only kidding. I just had lice.

So yesterday was my first day back at school (and my mom made me wear a hairnet so I wouldn't infect the other kids. I just told everyone it was a netted doo-rag) and my hairnet flopped in my face so I couldn't see very well. This was while I was walking into the bathroom, and I accidently walked into the girls bathroom. There was no one inside, so I just thought to might as well stay in there. Good thing I had my sharpie, cause I wrote "Percy Nuglet is a babe" on the sink. But anyways, while I was in the stall, I found metaphorical gold: gossip. It was like I was an episode of Gossip Girl. (Not that I watch that show, but if I did watch it I would remark that I am the epitome of Chuck Bass)

There was a list.  A list of the top twenty guys that are most kissable. For some strange reason I wasn't on the list. My name must of been erased or something. Anyways, I took my sharpie, crossed off Malcom Writtle (he think he's so great because he's captain of the cupstacking team) as number one and put my own name. Next to it I wrote:

Percy is a hottie biscotti! He's in a band! He's ripped! He's so desirable!

After that I decided to leave (the bathroom smelled like puke from all the belmia at our school). The next day at school, girls started to look at me. And giggle. And point. And wink. And strip. (Alright that last one isn't true, but I know what they were thinking). And Cindy was  nice to me for once. Nice. Cindy. Ha! She told me I looked European! (I knew the barret was a good choice). I was man candy to the extreme. I started wondering what I'd done differently that day. I put on the same amount of Axe as I normally do (a tablespoon), put the same amount of gel in my hair as I normally do (none since my hair is naturally LUCIOUS), and I wore the same man tank as I normally do. Then I remembered: the bathroom. Other girls thought I was desired, so I became desired. 

After school, I called my mom that there was a shooting a Rudolph's elementary school so she'd be late picking me up. I snuck into the girl's bathroom again. This time, I went into stall number four (aka make out stall, which is grossly next to puke stall but whatever). I wrote:

Percy Nuglet has the kewlest band! It's called Mac and Cheese Mermaid! He is a rock star! Nick Jonas eats worms!

The last one was just for my pleasure. 

As one could come to expect, the next day, all these girls came up to MCM and was like:

"I love your songs!"

"Your music rocks!"

"You guys are sooo awesome!"

"Percy Nuglet looks like Channing Tatum!"

Alright that last one isn't true, but if you hang upside down and sneeze really hard I look exactly like him. 

Also, Malcom's been super depressed lately. As the oldest member of the Cub Scout troop he was trying to sell wafers made from recycled pants. But since he wasn't at the top of the kissable list, no one would buy it from him. He ended up eating all the wafers himself, alone, in the handicapped locker. Also, Whitney Hughs dumped him! Score. Now she can move on to something hotter: me. 

After school I told my mom that Sear's was having a sale on lingerie so she'd pick me up later. On the bathroom I wrote: 

Percy Nuglet is such a great kisser! His face tastes like spring rolls!

Spring rolls are delicious. 

The next day at school, all these random girls kept coming up to my and sniffing my cheek. A couple of them even kissed me. 

"Omg Percy you are a great kisser!"

"It does taste like spring rolls!"

"Percy my bra came undone. Will you help me hook it in the back?"

Alright that last one isn't true. But it will be. I just need to make one final installment in the bathroom today ...

I called my mom and told her that David Hasslehoff was streaking in our backyard so she'd be late to pick me up. I snuck into the girls bathroom, my trusty sharpie in hand, and was about to write in the stall when I heard ...

"PERCY!?"

It was Cindy. Crap.

"Have you been writing all this stuff about yourself?" she asked.

"No."

"Then why are you in the girl's bathroom."

"I'm having an identity crisis."

"No you're not. I'm taking you to the main office."

CRAP. 

So I had to have a talk with Principle Brawling. It was not fun. She banned me from going to the bathroom at school–BOYS AND GIRLS! Even unisex!

"Well then how will I take care of business?" I rebuttled.

"Here," Principle B said, throwing some hideous smelling contraption at my face. "It's a bedpan."

"Ew so I have to go in this? During class!?" I asked.

"Yup."

"Do I have to carry it around?"

"Yup."

"DANG!" I cried.

Not only do I have to carry a bedpan around, but Cindy wrote on the walls that I have a mouth disease from making out with a deer. I would never make out with any woodland creature, especially not a deer.

Ugh. 

Breakout (but not acne, since my face is as clear as Roxie's personality)

I'm in detention right now because I'm a total badass. 

Me and Gilb were in ceramics, and I spit in his vase. So he threw a chunk of clay at me and called me a bafoon. So I threw one back, but it kinda hit my ceramics teacher in the eye. She started rolling on the ground cause she thought she was on fire or something, but it was just her eye that was blinded. Good thing Larry had an extra eye patch.

So yeah, Gilb and I are in detention, which sucks cause MCM was gonna practice our new song, Percy's Ballad, in our upcoming showdown with CCC. 

Detention is run by student council president, Cindy (the teachers are in their annual "Faculty Fiesta" where they put pictures of their least favorite students on a piñata. Or so I've heard). I convinced her to let me have my laptop by wrapping my arms with toilet paper and making it look like it was broken (Cindy has the IQ of  Fig Newton). 

We need to breakout, and fast. It's 6:00 right now. Detention ends at 8, but at 8 Larry is getting something removed (but he won't tell us what). So if we want to get any band time in, we need to leave fast (and we need band time in order to CRUSH CCC). I am trying to come up with a plan to distract Cindy and sneak out. I have two so far

a) I go up to get a tissue by turn of the lights, making the room pitch black. I then grab one of Cindy's braids and cut it off. I throw said braid out the window. Lights back on, Gilb and I are in our seats, so she never suspects a thing. Cindy starts freaking out, and goes to hunt down whoever chopped off her braid. I tell her the discription of the person who did it. I describe the principle. Cindy tries to beat the principle, then gets expelled. Gilbert and I are free men.

b) distract her with seduction

I chose b, since it was easier (I am very attractive, after all). Here's how Operation: Sexy Edition began:

Percy: Oh my gosh my arms are just so heavy.

Cindy: Those twigs?

Percy: I work out. A lot.

Cindy: You weigh like 60 pounds.

Percy: 87, thank you. And you just can't handle these guns of steel.

Cindy: Trust me, there are no leathal weapons in this room. 

Percy: [New tactic: Show off my killer bod] Oh man it's HOT in here [I begin to lift up my shirt]

Cindy: What are you doing?

Percy: Just, embracing the heat.

Cindy: Pull that down Percy and get back in your seat. And how much cologne are you wearing?

Percy: That, my fair lady, is the stench of a man. 

Cindy: Sit down Percy.

Percy: [New tactic: Make Cindy jealous, thus she'll want me] Man, I had such a wild time in mom's minivan last night!

Cindy: With your mom?

Percy: No! With Whitney Hughs.

Cindy: Captian of the cheerleading team? I don't think so. 

Percy: [New tactic: Make Cindy insecure so she'll think I'm the best she can get] Have you gained weight?

Cindy: What?!

Percy: It's ok, I don't mind if you're a chunker (she's actually pretty skinny, but shhh ... it's all part of the plan!)

Cindy: Did you just say I'm fat?

Percy: Maybe.

Cindy: You are such a donkeyhole! Leave me alone!

Percy: You mean we're free to go?

Cindy: Anything to get you away from me.

Percy: Score.

And that's how you DOMINATE. 

NEW SONG: Percy's Ballad

I have decided to write a slow song for two reasons

1) To impress da ladiezzzz

2) To PWN Cheese Casserole Centaur (the Stupid Troop)

Hey sorry I haven't updated the blog recently. My house was undergoing some renovations. It all started when I locked Rudolph in the basement because her shirt was really bugging me. So she decided to ram the wall using the washing machine to break out. Since she's kinda an idiot, she mashed it against the wall while it was running, so water poured out every where. Rudolph didn't know what to do so she tried to drink it, then just swam. Finally, my mom came home from work (she is a receptionist at a prison) and saw water leaking from the house. So she called 911. Apparently, 911 had blocked our calls (Rudolph prank calls them a lot), so she called her uncle, who brought his axe to chop through the basement door and save Rudolph. Anyways, it took a while to clean up the flood. As a punishment for locking Rudolph down there in the first place, I had to drink all the water through a straw (man I'm gonna get so fat from drinking all that water and I cannot lose my figure). And I think Rudolph peed in it. 

Since MCM does not have the budget or the energy to produce a legit music video, I have described what the music video would look like in brackets next to the lyrics. So it's like you can have a movie in your head. Snipe. 

PERCY'S BALLAD

[Scene opens with me playing the piano in a meadow with black stallions circling me in a V formation. Shrub is in his courdary pants, playing guitar on the top of the piano. Gilb and Larry are riding mules who are making a zig zag formation across the piano (they are playing drums and triangle). Camera flips to Roxie, who is in a cage.]

You and I,

are like a glacier and the sun, [I get up from the piano's seat as doves fly to me and begin to unbutton my shirt. I have a nice chest and a six pack. My phone number flashes up on the screen.]

You and I,

are like cupcakes and a bb gun [doves bring me a gun and I shoot them all down. Camera switches to scene of Gilbert rain dancing in a nearby river. Exotic mermaids swim around him chanting Dutch lullabies in hushed tones.]

You and I,

are more different than anyone

I've ever met [I am now walking on flames, followed by Shrub who is playing guitar and has wings]

Fire and water [Scene to Larry walking on water while playing drums]

ocean and sea

salt and vinegar [Roxie bites cage. She can't get out. Haha. She plays keyboard though, inside her little cage.]

drugs and honey

We're totally opposites

but that's alright with me [Blonde Swedish triplets in tankinis circle me and throw confetti at my face. Then they start making out with each other. It's really hot.]

We tend to fight,

like Rosie and Trump, [our celebrity guest dancer, David Hasslehoff, comes on screen and starts to do the worm]

but me without you

is like a camel without a hump [I am now in a cornfield, wearing nothing but neon green boxer shorts and tin shoes]

CHORUS:

Cause I need you [Band is all together know, backing me up in the cornfield, rocking. Even Roxie is rocking from her cage.]

Like a bird needs air

Tigger needs Pooh Bear [I play the electric piccalo and begin to lead wild wolves to a forest]

Gilb needs itch-proof underwear

And I want you like 

a bee wants a flower [Larry appears in a jumpsuit made entirely out of pansies and his drums turn to buttercups.]

Larry wants candy that is sour

Roxie wants a shower [Roxie eats a rock]

Cause without you,

I'm a hobo on the streets [flash forward to me outside of a CVS in dirty clothes making faces at the middle school children as the scamper by]

begging for chicken

and grabbing people's feet [I grab an old guy's foot and he falls onto the sidewalk which turns into a chocolate river. I fall in the river and emerge from it in a pleather suit. All the band members are now in red pleather, jammin.]

I remember the first time you called my phone,

I was watching Home Alone, [Roxie, Shrub, Gilbert and Larry chant from the background; The Sequel!]

your voice was smooth like silk [I wake up in a venus fly trap, silk covering my muscles. I am glistening in the moonlight]

so I melted into milk

When you asked me out

I jumped and danced about

I waxed my chest

and in five minutes I was dresses [for this whole verse I am on a unicorn, parading over mountains and valleys. I am wearing a white shirt with puffy sleeves, and spandex. When I sing, it is like angels are pouring out of my mouth.]

There you were standing at my door [Shrub is playing cat's cradle with Larry in a pine tree]

then you fell on the floor,

cause I tripped you with my foot

sorry about that toots [I am now playing the piccalo on the setting sun, canaries dancing on my head, breading my hair and putting those beads on the end of each bread. You know, like they do in the Bahamas.]

CHORUS

Without you

I am a daisy without a stem

a skirt without a hem

an emo without a cut

jeans without a butt [the band and I are playing on a big rock in the middle of a lake. We are all wearing clothes made out of ice. We are rocking so hard the unicorns swimming in the water begin to cry.]

CHORUS x2 [We basically just prance around in a Spring meadow, playing our hearts out (Roxie's cage is now on wheels so she can move). The sun is setting, doves are flying in the air spelling MCM in the sky.]

Ohhh ... baby [close up on my face as I blow a kiss to the camera]

[Fade out.]

Cheese Casserole Centaur Must Die

Breaking News: Roxie Sucks.

Only kidding. Not about Roxie sucking, that's a fact. But it's not breaking news.

But 4realzies, I have actual breaking news:

Actual Breaking News: Mac and Cheese Mermaid has COMPETITION. Thus, there will be a battle of the bands!

Their name is Cheese Casserole Centaur [hmm ... a complete RIPOFF of our name] and we don't know who they are or have heard their music, we just know that they're really good. Why you might ask? Well young grasshopper, I found a note tapped to my locker that said:

Hey Percy and all the other LAMEOS of Mac and Cheese Mermaid

You guys must be Lunchables because you're about to be SERVED!

Cheese Casserole Centaur is now officially the best band ever. 

We have costumes, lyrics, music, and pie.

We're really good too. 

P.S. You guys must be sliced pineapple, because you're about to be SALTED.

Seriously? Who puts salt on pineapple? Weird people, that's who.

But they're really good, they said so themselves. It's so strange that we finally have some competition other than Fall Out Boy.

I searched them up on Facebook, Myspace, AIM, Google, but then I found something awful.

THEY HAVE A BLOG! It's www.cheesecasserolecentaur.blogspot.com

WE HAD A BLOG FIRST.

Here is the loser gang. I call them the StupidTroop:

lead singer: Preston

Guitarist: Hedge

Drummer: One-Armed Garry

Accordian: Sheldon

Keyboard: Trixie

Now I know exactly what you're thinking. What kind of name is Preston?

Gosh, those noobs.

They already wrote a post.

DISSING US.

And they're disses were lame.

I could come up with something better if I were blind, deaf, lost all taste in my tongue, were strapped to a camel trudging across the swamp at midnight, being hit with a club by Jack Black.

Amateurs.