You know those days, when you just feel like your life is over and you have no meaning. That feeling of worthlessness, that my mom claims she has all the time. I know, I know, this is what Roxie must feel like everyday. I almost feel bad for her. Almost. Because yesterday, I felt worthless, unloved. I was totally the leftover sardines, the forgotten mitten, the Kevin Jonas of the group.
So we were having our very first band practice as the new Mac and Cheese Mermaid (better than eva because now Roxie wasn't in it). I was strumming a one-stringed banjo with my toes, Shrub was blowdrying his hair with a toaster over, Gilbert was trying to eat a Rubik's Cube, and Larry was pretending to be a cat. All and all, it was a pretty normal day. Then, all of the sudden, I was hungry. Naturally I checked my pocket for some left over tic tacs or some old toast, but unfortunately all I found was black lint, which wasn't nearly satisfying enough. So I looked in the cupboard for my panini maker that I had stolen from Rudolph in exchange for a handful of raisins that I'd found on the ground. But gasp! the panini maker wasn't there.
Me: Dudes, what gives?
Larry: I didn't steal your mom's robe.
Me: Not that––the panini maker's gone.
Gilbert: Gasp!
Me: I know!
Larry: Who could have taken it?
Me: Not Rudolph, I hypnotized her yesterday into thinking it's the year 1865.
Gilbert: Then who could it be?
Shrub: I think I know--Roxie. She grabbed it the day the band broke up.
Me: How did I miss that?
Gilbert: You were counting your arm hair, remember?
Me: Oh yeah. By the way I'm up to 127.
Gilbert: That's still way less than average, like you're not even halfway there.
Me: Shut up dude!
Shrub: C'mon bros, let's go about this in a calm manner.
Larry: Let's storm into her house with rage!
Shrub: Can't--it's still being fumagated for woodlice.
Gilbert: Can we at least egg it?
Me: Sorry guys, I used all the eggs last week to clog Rudolph's toilet.
Larry: Aw man!
Me: This is terrible, what can we do now?
Unfortunately, we all knew. There was only one solution.
We had to let Roxie back in the band. We couldn't survive without our panini maker, and we were all too lazy and broke to go out and by another. It pained me to do it, but at least I got my panini maker back. But it smelled like bubble bath.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
MAC AND CHEESE MERMAID REUNITES
The unthinkable has happened.
No, Roxie hasn't gotten in college--that's just impossible.
Mac and Cheese Mermaid has reunited.
Now I know you're probably celebrating right now, breaking out the ramen and rolling around in it in an excited frenzy. You're so happy that you don't even care why you're happy. This is the best day of your life. Now let me explain how.
It was a chilly December evening, and I was in my room, eating warm tuna. Gilbert was over, making my bed like he does every Wednesday (I pay him in Raisin Bran). The house was quiet. My dad was watching the game, my mom was at K-Mart, and Rudolph had run into a wall so she was semi-conscious.
Then, all of the sudden, the doorbell rang. I thought it was the late-night mailman dropping off my exotic hair product, but I was in for the shock of my life.
At the door, stood Roxie.
Me: What are you doing here?
Roxie: Listen Percy, I need to talk to you.
Me: If that rat I put in your fanny pack gave you rabies I can't be held responsible.
Roxie: It's about Shrub.
Me: I don't wanna hear it. That guy is paste to me.
Roxie: You guys are best friends–
Me: WERE best friends. As in past tense, as in not present tense, as in not future tense.
Roxie: Just here me out.
Me: Sorry, your voice just sounds like burning rubber.
Roxie: That doesn't even make sense.
Me: Neither do you. So we're even.
Roxie: Shrub's miserable.
Me: Well, I think that's your fault. You're his girlfriend or whatevsies.
Roxie: But I'm not.
Me: Say what?
Roxie: We went on a couple dates ... but I'm not into him like that. We're just friends.
Me: He's still worse than all three Jonas Brothers combined.
Roxie: He won't admit it, but he misses the band.
Me: So what? I miss my cheese grater, but you don't see me going to Jojo's cardboard box and asking for it back.
Roxie: Listen–
Me: No you listen. I'm in honors math, ok?
Roxie: What does that have to do with anything?
Me: I just rubbing it in your face. Which, by the way, is still oily.
Roxie: I didn't miss getting my hair braided at the mall kiosk to get insulted. I just hate seeing Shrub miserable, so I think it'd be in all our interests to get the band back together.
Me: Sorry, but the band's time has passed. You can only throw a cinderblock so far before it hits someone in the face.
Roxie: Fine. I'm done here.
Me: And stay out!
I slammed the door in her face.
Although Roxie is a complete moron who doesn't know toast about anything, she got me thinking. If she and Shrub weren't dating, then why were Shrub and I fighting? There didn't seem to be a reason for our feud anymore. And if Shrub and I were cool, so were Larry and I.
So that night, I sent out a mass email to Larry and Shrub saying:
Hey dudez. I (you're) sorry about everything. Now that Shrub's not dating Roxie, I guess the band can get back together. If you want or something. Cuz I have other things to do. And hot dates. But I mean if you guyz really want, I guess MCM could reunite. And my mom just bought fresh guava, so we could throw it at Rudolph. If you want.
xoxo,
Percy
The next day in homeroom ...
Me: Hey guys. Did you get my mass email?
Shrub: Maybe.
Larry: Yeah, maybe.
Me: Well, what do you say?
Shrub: I don't know. How fresh is the guava?
Me: Two days.
Shrub: And is Rudolph's leg still broken?
Me: Yup––so the fastest thing she can do is limp away.
Larry: Well, I DID just get some new rope.
Shrub: And I did just get a new video camera.
Gilb: It'd be awful to let those things go to waste.
Me: So, are we all cool?
Shrub: Yeah, we are.
Me: Illness.
*4 way fist bump*
So yeah. If MCM was history, Shrub would be Napoleon, Gilbert would be George Washington, Larry would be some other lesser known guy who signed the declaration of Independence, and I would be Ceaser. Because Ceaser always wins. Roxie's Brutus. But wait Brutus stabs Ceaser. So nevermind. Roxie's Voldemort. That's a lot more fitting. So the mighty 4 are back together again and more powerful than ever. Minus Roxie. Booyah.
Oh. And here's a little something I learned in honors math:
Ceaser < Voldemort
Because Ceaser is greater than Voldemort.
No, Roxie hasn't gotten in college--that's just impossible.
Mac and Cheese Mermaid has reunited.
Now I know you're probably celebrating right now, breaking out the ramen and rolling around in it in an excited frenzy. You're so happy that you don't even care why you're happy. This is the best day of your life. Now let me explain how.
It was a chilly December evening, and I was in my room, eating warm tuna. Gilbert was over, making my bed like he does every Wednesday (I pay him in Raisin Bran). The house was quiet. My dad was watching the game, my mom was at K-Mart, and Rudolph had run into a wall so she was semi-conscious.
Then, all of the sudden, the doorbell rang. I thought it was the late-night mailman dropping off my exotic hair product, but I was in for the shock of my life.
At the door, stood Roxie.
Me: What are you doing here?
Roxie: Listen Percy, I need to talk to you.
Me: If that rat I put in your fanny pack gave you rabies I can't be held responsible.
Roxie: It's about Shrub.
Me: I don't wanna hear it. That guy is paste to me.
Roxie: You guys are best friends–
Me: WERE best friends. As in past tense, as in not present tense, as in not future tense.
Roxie: Just here me out.
Me: Sorry, your voice just sounds like burning rubber.
Roxie: That doesn't even make sense.
Me: Neither do you. So we're even.
Roxie: Shrub's miserable.
Me: Well, I think that's your fault. You're his girlfriend or whatevsies.
Roxie: But I'm not.
Me: Say what?
Roxie: We went on a couple dates ... but I'm not into him like that. We're just friends.
Me: He's still worse than all three Jonas Brothers combined.
Roxie: He won't admit it, but he misses the band.
Me: So what? I miss my cheese grater, but you don't see me going to Jojo's cardboard box and asking for it back.
Roxie: Listen–
Me: No you listen. I'm in honors math, ok?
Roxie: What does that have to do with anything?
Me: I just rubbing it in your face. Which, by the way, is still oily.
Roxie: I didn't miss getting my hair braided at the mall kiosk to get insulted. I just hate seeing Shrub miserable, so I think it'd be in all our interests to get the band back together.
Me: Sorry, but the band's time has passed. You can only throw a cinderblock so far before it hits someone in the face.
Roxie: Fine. I'm done here.
Me: And stay out!
I slammed the door in her face.
Although Roxie is a complete moron who doesn't know toast about anything, she got me thinking. If she and Shrub weren't dating, then why were Shrub and I fighting? There didn't seem to be a reason for our feud anymore. And if Shrub and I were cool, so were Larry and I.
So that night, I sent out a mass email to Larry and Shrub saying:
Hey dudez. I (you're) sorry about everything. Now that Shrub's not dating Roxie, I guess the band can get back together. If you want or something. Cuz I have other things to do. And hot dates. But I mean if you guyz really want, I guess MCM could reunite. And my mom just bought fresh guava, so we could throw it at Rudolph. If you want.
xoxo,
Percy
The next day in homeroom ...
Me: Hey guys. Did you get my mass email?
Shrub: Maybe.
Larry: Yeah, maybe.
Me: Well, what do you say?
Shrub: I don't know. How fresh is the guava?
Me: Two days.
Shrub: And is Rudolph's leg still broken?
Me: Yup––so the fastest thing she can do is limp away.
Larry: Well, I DID just get some new rope.
Shrub: And I did just get a new video camera.
Gilb: It'd be awful to let those things go to waste.
Me: So, are we all cool?
Shrub: Yeah, we are.
Me: Illness.
*4 way fist bump*
So yeah. If MCM was history, Shrub would be Napoleon, Gilbert would be George Washington, Larry would be some other lesser known guy who signed the declaration of Independence, and I would be Ceaser. Because Ceaser always wins. Roxie's Brutus. But wait Brutus stabs Ceaser. So nevermind. Roxie's Voldemort. That's a lot more fitting. So the mighty 4 are back together again and more powerful than ever. Minus Roxie. Booyah.
Oh. And here's a little something I learned in honors math:
Ceaser < Voldemort
Because Ceaser is greater than Voldemort.
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