Justice is Served

Lots of you have been all up in my grill and spoonin' my applesauce and being all "why you hatin' on Roxie?"

Maybe I didn't make this clear enough why I hate her.

People think that I mean to her because she is a girl. Firstily, I have nothing against the ladies and I respect them (I don't even subscribe to Playboy–and that's not because the mailwoman is in my mom's book group and would rat me out). Secondly, I'm pretty sure Roxie is not a girl. Although she wears pink and has a rather feminine face, I don't really think she is 100% female. I have true scientific evidence to defend that: if she was a girl, I would be hitting on her. But I am not. Thus, she is not a girl. I'm not sure if she's a guy either–it's a grey area.

I know, I know, she's in the band. And bandmates have to stick up for each other, pay for each other's lunches, shave each other's backs when they break both arms in a powerscooter incident. But Roxie wouldn't bring a razor near me even if I had broken legs too, and this lack of dedication disappoints me.

Don't believe me that Roxie is the worst? Check out this list that I have so conviently typed up for you:

WHY ROXIE IS THE WORST

1) her afro got stuck in my dream catcher I made a summer camp

2) She used a guitar string as dental floss

3) She smells like oyster crackers

4) She chucked my pinini maker at my minifridge which then melted all my ice cream dots which I won in an online contest for guessing celeberties' weight

5) She works at Libby Lu.

6) It was really hot out one day so I tried to fry an egg on the sidewalk. Roxie stepped in it. Yeah, ew. I had to eat it off her foot.

7) Her vests have so many rhinestones that one time she walked past me and made my arm bleed.

8) She illegally downloaded Japanese ballet horror movies on my ipod and erased all my 50 Cent and T-Pain.

9) She cut off the sleeves of my faux Lacoste polo and told me that man tank tops were "in". They so weren't.

10) Yesterday MCM went to a fair. She ate my corndog. 

11) She told Shrub that Larry said that Gilbert said that I said that he had thunder thighs (which I never said because Shrub's legs are toothpicks).

12) She doesn't think my six pack is legit.

13) She tricked me into wearing my space ranger pajamas into the woods and then took pictures of me. She said she emailed them to Mitchell Musso (how/if she knows him I'm not sure. But if she really did them them to him I bet he looks at them everyday. I would). 

14) Shrub likes her.