Stall Wall Gossip = Golden Opprotunity

Hey guys its Percy a.k.a. the hottest piece of steak you'll ever meet a.k.a. 87 pounds of pure sexy a.k.a. the Rock Doc a.k.a. the Chosen One. 

Sorry I haven't written on the blog in so long. My toe fell off, so I was having it replaced with a robot toe. I call it RoboToe. Only kidding. I just had lice.

So yesterday was my first day back at school (and my mom made me wear a hairnet so I wouldn't infect the other kids. I just told everyone it was a netted doo-rag) and my hairnet flopped in my face so I couldn't see very well. This was while I was walking into the bathroom, and I accidently walked into the girls bathroom. There was no one inside, so I just thought to might as well stay in there. Good thing I had my sharpie, cause I wrote "Percy Nuglet is a babe" on the sink. But anyways, while I was in the stall, I found metaphorical gold: gossip. It was like I was an episode of Gossip Girl. (Not that I watch that show, but if I did watch it I would remark that I am the epitome of Chuck Bass)

There was a list.  A list of the top twenty guys that are most kissable. For some strange reason I wasn't on the list. My name must of been erased or something. Anyways, I took my sharpie, crossed off Malcom Writtle (he think he's so great because he's captain of the cupstacking team) as number one and put my own name. Next to it I wrote:

Percy is a hottie biscotti! He's in a band! He's ripped! He's so desirable!

After that I decided to leave (the bathroom smelled like puke from all the belmia at our school). The next day at school, girls started to look at me. And giggle. And point. And wink. And strip. (Alright that last one isn't true, but I know what they were thinking). And Cindy was  nice to me for once. Nice. Cindy. Ha! She told me I looked European! (I knew the barret was a good choice). I was man candy to the extreme. I started wondering what I'd done differently that day. I put on the same amount of Axe as I normally do (a tablespoon), put the same amount of gel in my hair as I normally do (none since my hair is naturally LUCIOUS), and I wore the same man tank as I normally do. Then I remembered: the bathroom. Other girls thought I was desired, so I became desired. 

After school, I called my mom that there was a shooting a Rudolph's elementary school so she'd be late picking me up. I snuck into the girl's bathroom again. This time, I went into stall number four (aka make out stall, which is grossly next to puke stall but whatever). I wrote:

Percy Nuglet has the kewlest band! It's called Mac and Cheese Mermaid! He is a rock star! Nick Jonas eats worms!

The last one was just for my pleasure. 

As one could come to expect, the next day, all these girls came up to MCM and was like:

"I love your songs!"

"Your music rocks!"

"You guys are sooo awesome!"

"Percy Nuglet looks like Channing Tatum!"

Alright that last one isn't true, but if you hang upside down and sneeze really hard I look exactly like him. 

Also, Malcom's been super depressed lately. As the oldest member of the Cub Scout troop he was trying to sell wafers made from recycled pants. But since he wasn't at the top of the kissable list, no one would buy it from him. He ended up eating all the wafers himself, alone, in the handicapped locker. Also, Whitney Hughs dumped him! Score. Now she can move on to something hotter: me. 

After school I told my mom that Sear's was having a sale on lingerie so she'd pick me up later. On the bathroom I wrote: 

Percy Nuglet is such a great kisser! His face tastes like spring rolls!

Spring rolls are delicious. 

The next day at school, all these random girls kept coming up to my and sniffing my cheek. A couple of them even kissed me. 

"Omg Percy you are a great kisser!"

"It does taste like spring rolls!"

"Percy my bra came undone. Will you help me hook it in the back?"

Alright that last one isn't true. But it will be. I just need to make one final installment in the bathroom today ...

I called my mom and told her that David Hasslehoff was streaking in our backyard so she'd be late to pick me up. I snuck into the girls bathroom, my trusty sharpie in hand, and was about to write in the stall when I heard ...

"PERCY!?"

It was Cindy. Crap.

"Have you been writing all this stuff about yourself?" she asked.

"No."

"Then why are you in the girl's bathroom."

"I'm having an identity crisis."

"No you're not. I'm taking you to the main office."

CRAP. 

So I had to have a talk with Principle Brawling. It was not fun. She banned me from going to the bathroom at school–BOYS AND GIRLS! Even unisex!

"Well then how will I take care of business?" I rebuttled.

"Here," Principle B said, throwing some hideous smelling contraption at my face. "It's a bedpan."

"Ew so I have to go in this? During class!?" I asked.

"Yup."

"Do I have to carry it around?"

"Yup."

"DANG!" I cried.

Not only do I have to carry a bedpan around, but Cindy wrote on the walls that I have a mouth disease from making out with a deer. I would never make out with any woodland creature, especially not a deer.

Ugh.